You know when you’re depressed and the apathy surrounds you like a fog? You feel like you don’t have a grip on things and yet, you don’t care at the same time? Then when you do care, you have the lowest feelings about yourself and feel like a failure?
What I found out on Sunday was something of that sort. Except I let things slip that I “normally” would not have, not knowing so because I thought I was ontop of it. Oblivious to me at the time but made obvious on Sunday, I was in worse shape than I knew last year. Now this problem has not only hurt someone I liked and respected, it’s also created a huge mess that I can’t fix by myself at all and will burden others a lot. The one good thing in my life is ruined and I let people down. I can’t even put everything into the right words right now. The problem on Sunday wasn’t even that bad in comparison, but then the last year was reviewed and things I thought I had a grasp on were very much proven the opposite. I really fucked up and I didn’t even realise it at the time.