Posts from the ‘Awareness’ Category

#RIPChester

*Trigger warning – suicide, depression*
Well this has taken me a few days to write, for numerous reasons. As everyone probably knows by now, we lost Chester last Thursday to suicide. Out of all the recent celebrity deaths, this one hurt. 

As people who follow this blog know, I’ve been very open about living with Major Depressive Disorder and have for about half my life. I’ve also talked about how having one of my best friends lose their life to suicide made that depression come back tenfold. So much so that I ended up being put on antidepressants because three months after the fact, I was only getting worse and not better. I went from thinking,”I could never put my family and friends through this” to believing it was the only option. Luckily, my doctor’s office was a short walk from my place and I made an appointment with a psychologist.
One of Chester’s good friends, Chris Cornell, died by suicide a couple months ago. Chester passed away on what would have been Chris Cornell’s 53rd birthday. 

Although I never knew Chester personally, he was one of the few voices that helped me cope with depression when I was first diagnosed as a teen. I remember the first time I first heard Linkin Park, back in 2000 when I was 15. It was when I was babysitting for my parents friends and they had satellite. It was one of those big ones that would take up your whole backyard but you could get AMERICAN CHANNELS! That meant MTV!!! Satellite wasn’t anything like how it is nowadays and the internet was definitely nowhere near what it is today. It quickly became a habit of mine whenever I would babysit for this family to put on MTV as soon as the kids were asleep.
Well, this band called Linkin Park comes on, with a neat video for a song called One Step Closer. I watched and thought, “these guys are so cool!” They had the dyed hair like me, had cool tattoos and I could identify with the lyrics. They instantly joined KoRn and Limp Bizkit in the “current favourite bands” category and with that babysitting money, I went and bought the cd shortly after.
The song that resonated the most then (and still does), was the song Crawling. I was recently diagnosed with depression, getting bullied in highschool and it summed everything I felt so articulately, something I’m still struggling with expressing, most times.
Flashforward a bit and I’m at Ozzfest 2001. Although the lineup had a lot of amazing bands on it, I was there to see them more than anything. I remember they opened up with “With You” and my tall friend decided to put my short ass on his shoulders so I could see. I remember the band playing and I remember during the first chorus, Chester pointed right in my general direction as he sang the words “WITH YOU”. I’d still like to think he was pointing right at me as I was a good 5ft higher than the crowd, but let’s not kid ourselves. Ha.
It was a show I knew I would remember for the rest of my life and I remember I was so happy just to witness it.

Now flashforward a few years as I am now, nineteen/twenty and they’ve changed their sound quite a bit and I lost most of my interest in them. Musical tastes change, happens to everyone but every so often I would still check in with them and check out their stuff. I loved a few songs, but they were no longer “MY FAVOURITE BAND EVER!!!!!!!1” I would still occasionally pop in Hybrid Theory or the other couple cds I have to reminisce. I never completely ended up hating them (*cough Muse cough*) or anything like that. It was more like just growing apart from an old buddy, really. I wished them well and all the success and I’m glad they did so well, in the years since. 
If I had gotten the chance to sit down with Chester, in the past couple months, I would have told him how much he helped me and to tell him, I know how much it hurts. Hell, it’s been two years since my friend died and it still hurts – less than it did the first year, but it’s still in the back of my mind. I would have maybe made him feel less alone, knowing I had went through the same situation. I wish I could have been there for him like he was for me so many years ago. I am forever grateful and thankful for him being a “guardian angel” for me years ago and I hope he is now at peace.

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#GuelphMusicClub Top ______ Albums of 2016(pt. 1)

So I’m going to start posting my top picks for albums that were released this year, in no particular order. As soon as I think I’m finished my list, I remember more so I’m leaving the number of albums blank.

First up on the dockit are 

(The obvious one) Radiohead – A Moon Shaped Pool


Not only did I get to see them live (as I’m sure you know by now if you ever read this blog), but this album was very orchestral and extremely personal. One of my favourite things about Radiohead is that they have influences from across the musical genres and no album sounds the same twice.

Garbage – Strange Little Birds


I have a soft spot for Garbage because they were my first concert wayyy back in ’97 (noticing a theme to this bunch?) and Shirley Manson has been a huge role model in my life. This is probably going to be the “poppy”-est entry on my list, but it provides a wonderful sonic musicscape with heartfelt lyrics that I tend to love a lot.
Nine Inch Nails – Not The Actual Events


I have to say, this is the reason I delayed starting these posts this year. I had to hear it before writing about it obviously and I’m glad I did. It perfectly describes the noise and confusion of the state of the world and introduced Atticus Ross as an actual member of NIN and not just a Reznor collaborator. I fell in love with this band in ’97 as well and thus I do believe it ends my first bunch of favourite albums this year. Stay tuned tomorrow for the next bunch!

Can I Just Give a Big Fuck You?

I wasn’t going to write about it because I’m personally not a fan of ‘Ye’s, but I am SICK of seeing the “Kanye” memes going around right now. He was hospitalised for a mental illness and has been hospitalised for over a week. I’m sick of seeing memes making fun of him for being hospitalised. Sick of people laughing at him having to stay in a hospital longer than “they” (the media) originally thought.  I’m so sick of it.

I’m sick of it because I ended up hospitalised for depression last year. I’m sick of it because I have a friend who was hospitalised get out only to kill herself. I’m sick of it because one of the best people I have ever known is currently in a hospital, TRYING to get better. 
Kanye has said more than one horrible, questioning thing over the years – don’t get me wrong. But I still have sympathy for him. Good for those who carried on touring when they have cancer – whether it’s Gord Downie or Lenny or whomever. Kanye was hospitalised and his tour was cancelled because he fell into “threat to himself or others”. If Gord Downie was hallucinating and trying to kill his band members, he would have also been pulled from touring. 
I’m sick of people thinking people who suffer from mental illness are so laughable as the ill push themselves more than they should while people who have cancer are regarded as “brave heroes” for trying to carry on at the best of their ability. 
I’m sick of it.

Falling Behind with Blogging Again

Hello my poor, neglected blog. I know, I said I would write more, both personal blogs and some more of my poetry. I really apologise. I’ve been doing a lot of the soul-searching that I’ve mentioned before, reigniting my passion for learning new languages. 
I’ve also had to cut a “good friend” out. She said highly insensitive and horrible things – becoming what she always said she didn’t want to be, but always was in a way. I would wake up to numerous negative texts from said person and quite frankly, it’s relieving to not wake up to such negativity every day. After blocking her email (she emailed me eight times after she said that she wouldn’t open any of my replies), I got a breath of fresh air. Really. It’s astounding how much one person was weighing me down and how much she played the “My problems are worse” Olympics. I sort of saw it a few months back and I stopped reacting to her negative statements. 

Sorry for airing all of it for all of you, but I considered her a close friend who then used all the insecurities I confided in her against me. I realised through therapy sessions that this is a form of emotional abuse. Everything she wrote me, the constant blocking/unblocking on facebook, it was emotional abuse that I allowed myself to succumb to for a year and a half. 
I am working out as I had started in July and kept up with it, I am learning new languages (French, Irish, Spanish, German, Ojibwe) and I have reached out to volunteer with the organisation here in Niagara Falls that helps new immigrants learn english and learn the “Canadian way”, our customs when it comes to work and all that. I liked doing it last time so it will be fun to continue. Last but not least, I am a Front of House Assistant at the Toronto International Film Festival this year. I had volunteered for four years prior (being promoted to Volunteer Captain the last shift of my first year – something you have to volunteer for two to three years to earn) so I am gladly looking forward to this year’s festival and meeting all the brand new volunteers that my venue brings in (they’re my favourite part of the job).
Anyway, things are slowly looking up and for that I am glad.
Cheers!

Another Chapter

Hello. I should really write a lot more than I have been. I’ve had to move back with my parents, give up the lovely apartment I had in Toronto. Not being able to work because of depression pretty much blows. Moving away from my friends to a place I don’t know anyone in blows even more. So I’m back here. Not really doing much and have a little over a week to decide if I want to go through with the discrimination lawsuit. 
Anyway, to outline some actual positive things –
I’m relearning how to do menial tasks. Like doing dishes and such. 
I’m working out a little bit.
I’m relearning french through Duolingo and have actually gotten to where I am learning things I didn’t know (past level ten French basically). So yep.
Anyway, that’s about it.

5am Wishful Thinking

Just in time to see the sunrise, yet again.

The UK left the EU, I got to watch it unfold all night on twitter and seeing reactions as people woke up. I guess insomnia is good for something?

Speaking of insomnia, I have to rant out a little pet peeve here. I hate when people can get a full eight hours of sleep, but because they can’t fall asleep until about three am, they say they have “insomnia”. Or if they can stay up until 6am, but then can sleep until four pm. That’s not insomnia, your sleep cycle is just inverted. When I say I have insomnia, I mean that I can’t fall asleep into a deep sleep and it never lasts more than an hour or two at a time. Then I’m left exhausted and still can’t fall asleep. Doesn’t matter how long I stay up, I can’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. I wish I could oversleep, I really wish I could trade.

Anyway, that dating thing ended up being a stinker. We’re friends now but that’s it.

I’m honestly in a position right now where I don’t know what to do. Do I want to stay in Toronto? Do I want to move to another province (read: BC or Quebec)? Do I want to go get a cabin in the remote woods? I seem to want all of these and I feel whichever option I choose, it won’t be the right one.

I read Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. Without sounding like a stereotypical “edgy quirky white chick” or what have you *eye roll*, I actually got chills reading that book. Chills because of how eerily similiar everything was. Substitute Toronto for NYC, I was supposed to be having the time of my life and depression crippled me. Or wanting to live both in the city and the country. Or always feeling like a disgarded third wheel when I go out with a friend because they get hit on and I’m left standing at the sidelines. There are a tonne more I read more similiar things, including the self harm on her legs to see if she could go through with slitting her wrists…the list goes on. I read a quick blurb on her and found out that she was born on October 27th and my birthday is the 26th. Not the same but still eerily close. I got chills from that too. Myself and a friend say that I’m Sylvia Plath reincarnated. Ha! The more I read, the more I actually believe it.

I guess that’s it. I’m still feeling like I’m falling backwards into a neverending black hole.

Insomniac

Sorry for neglecting this blog again. I have just been overstressed and when that happens I tend to just shut my mind down.

Luckily, things are turning in my favour a wee bit so I can finally start to relax.

This weekend is Victoria day long weekend so I’m heading down to my parents and just take a big time out.

My cat Lola was sick this past week, she has a health problem that the vets can’t really do anything out. She is feeling better now though. I just get worried about her because she’s thirteen this year so it’s getting tougher for her to recover.

Anyway, the burden on my back is lessening and I’m slowly able to breathe a bit better. I’m taking it day to day, as always.