Posts from the ‘help’ Category


*Trigger warning – suicide, depression*
Well this has taken me a few days to write, for numerous reasons. As everyone probably knows by now, we lost Chester last Thursday to suicide. Out of all the recent celebrity deaths, this one hurt. 

As people who follow this blog know, I’ve been very open about living with Major Depressive Disorder and have for about half my life. I’ve also talked about how having one of my best friends lose their life to suicide made that depression come back tenfold. So much so that I ended up being put on antidepressants because three months after the fact, I was only getting worse and not better. I went from thinking, »I could never put my family and friends through this » to believing it was the only option. Luckily, my doctor’s office was a short walk from my place and I made an appointment with a psychologist.
One of Chester’s good friends, Chris Cornell, died by suicide a couple months ago. Chester passed away on what would have been Chris Cornell’s 53rd birthday. 

Although I never knew Chester personally, he was one of the few voices that helped me cope with depression when I was first diagnosed as a teen. I remember the first time I first heard Linkin Park, back in 2000 when I was 15. It was when I was babysitting for my parents friends and they had satellite. It was one of those big ones that would take up your whole backyard but you could get AMERICAN CHANNELS! That meant MTV!!! Satellite wasn’t anything like how it is nowadays and the internet was definitely nowhere near what it is today. It quickly became a habit of mine whenever I would babysit for this family to put on MTV as soon as the kids were asleep.
Well, this band called Linkin Park comes on, with a neat video for a song called One Step Closer. I watched and thought, « these guys are so cool! » They had the dyed hair like me, had cool tattoos and I could identify with the lyrics. They instantly joined KoRn and Limp Bizkit in the « current favourite bands » category and with that babysitting money, I went and bought the cd shortly after.
The song that resonated the most then (and still does), was the song Crawling. I was recently diagnosed with depression, getting bullied in highschool and it summed everything I felt so articulately, something I’m still struggling with expressing, most times.
Flashforward a bit and I’m at Ozzfest 2001. Although the lineup had a lot of amazing bands on it, I was there to see them more than anything. I remember they opened up with « With You » and my tall friend decided to put my short ass on his shoulders so I could see. I remember the band playing and I remember during the first chorus, Chester pointed right in my general direction as he sang the words « WITH YOU ». I’d still like to think he was pointing right at me as I was a good 5ft higher than the crowd, but let’s not kid ourselves. Ha.
It was a show I knew I would remember for the rest of my life and I remember I was so happy just to witness it.

Now flashforward a few years as I am now, nineteen/twenty and they’ve changed their sound quite a bit and I lost most of my interest in them. Musical tastes change, happens to everyone but every so often I would still check in with them and check out their stuff. I loved a few songs, but they were no longer « MY FAVOURITE BAND EVER!!!!!!!1 » I would still occasionally pop in Hybrid Theory or the other couple cds I have to reminisce. I never completely ended up hating them (*cough Muse cough*) or anything like that. It was more like just growing apart from an old buddy, really. I wished them well and all the success and I’m glad they did so well, in the years since. 
If I had gotten the chance to sit down with Chester, in the past couple months, I would have told him how much he helped me and to tell him, I know how much it hurts. Hell, it’s been two years since my friend died and it still hurts – less than it did the first year, but it’s still in the back of my mind. I would have maybe made him feel less alone, knowing I had went through the same situation. I wish I could have been there for him like he was for me so many years ago. I am forever grateful and thankful for him being a « guardian angel » for me years ago and I hope he is now at peace.



The other night, I went to emerg because of my cough and a sharp pain in my chest. I ended up getting a chest x-ray that concluded I have both pneumonia and bronchitis (because just having one would be too easy) and it showed a shape that looked like a bloodclot by my lung.

Queue slight panic attack as they were sticking the iodine dye drip in my arm and walking towards the CT scan room. As I tried to keep things lighthearted with the technician as I got positioned in the machine, the fear and exhaustion by this point had tears spring into my eyes. Naturally, I started thinking about if I DID have a bloodclot, and how if I didn’t catch it, I could have had a stroke or die and that wasn’t really helping the panic going on. Luckily, it ended up just being a bruised rib. I never had thought a sentence like « you may have a bloodclot by your lung » as fear inducing before but it definitely is.
Anyway, I got antibiotics and Ventolin and my cough has subsided quite a bit. The pain is still there but at least it has a chance to heal with the coughing fits minimised. Sucks to be missing out on long walks in the beautiful Autumn weather but I’ve managed to enjoy it a bit with some short walks.
I hope everyone is having a lovely Autumn,

Failure and Disassociation

Yesterday I got some pretty shocking and horrible news. I don’t want to elaborate on here but it just really hit me hard.

At least it allowed those ever-present tears to finally escape my eyes.

The Sun Was Shining Today

I’m not sure how to explain this exactly, but I will give it a shot.

On bad days or my usual « neutral » days where I’m not good but also not in a bad place, I let everything go. I wear the same outfits repeatedly, I don’t clean my apartment, I do the bare minimum. If that. On bad days, I won’t really do much more than feed my cats their daily dose if canned food and go back to bed. On neutral days, I go « through the motions » so to speak. I get up, make coffee, make breakfast, maybe shower, make a dinner, feed my cats and fill their water dish with fresh water.

On bad days, I’m completely oblivious to the mess my apartment has become since my good day. On neutral days, I am aware of the mess but too overwhelmed over the smallest thing to do anything about it.

On good days however, I am completely and wholly aware of the mess and that’s when I do a few dishes, throw garbage in the garbage bins outside, throw the recycling out, clean my washroom, etc. I do as much as I can, even if it hardly makes a dent but at least I do something. I lucked out with yesterday being a good day and today a neutral day, but I had a doctor’s appointment so I had to get up, grab some fruit to eat, make coffee and go. I also managed to sweep up a bit and put some of my garbage out so my kitchen is neater. I did some grocery shopping with the last twenty bucks I had (my bank account is still being investigated) and plan on doing a sinkful of dishes.

At my doctor’s appointment, I sorta yelled at my doctor a bit. All the crap and stressful things that happened, well I took it out on my kind doctor. He was a bit taken aback, reminded me of the emergency numbers I have and waived the fee for my medical forms. I thanked him and apologised, just that the added stress of everything ontop of my not so steady mood was just too much and I had to vent.

On a plus side, it was sunny and fairly warm out. I managed to run quickly to the store in just my sweater. The wind is still cold though. At least the fact that warmer weather is coming is somewhat comforting and gives me a bit of hope.

Life Update; Medical Marijuana, Long Chats and Bank Issues

I haven’t written an update about myself in a bit so I thought I’d update everything.

First things first, my bank is horrible. Since I had to fill out an investigation report, I still don’t have access to my bank account. I got my taxes done and chose the « instant refund » option so they wrote me a cheque. My bank said they had to hold the cheque for four business days and so I called the manager at my home branch. About half an hour later he said he took off the restrictions on my account and I would have to go to a teller instead of using the ATM. I said I understood so I went back to the bank. I gave my cheque to the teller and they said there was going to be a hold. I explained what the manager had JUST TOLD ME on the phone and the manager of that bank said « well that’s not what the notes say. » So I grabbed my cheque back and went to the bank that owned the account. Luckily, the manager gets her taxes done at the same place and let me cash it even though I don’t have a bank account there. So I’m possibly going to be switching banks in the near future.

So that’s the bank problem (that they still haven’t resolved).

At the advice of more than a few people, I got a prescription for medical marijuana. I have never been a pothead, more like a social smoker, if that. So I went to the dispensary and the doctor went over strains that help with depression. As I’ve said before, the sertraline and mirtazapine just sorta neutralise my mood. I am never excited or overjoyed, I’m just apathetic really. Weed not only helps me sleep at night but has increased my appetite a bit and I can actually feel happy. I know that that is what being stoned is like anyway, but it actually feels nice to be « light hearted » again. I’m not stoned 24/7 and mainly only smoke right before I go to bed but I see that it’s helping.

I’ve also been hanging out with friends more and having wonderful chats about everything and it gets me out of my house, which is generally hard for me to do.

Well that’s it for now. I’m still not ready to fully join the world again but it’s improving a little bit at a time.

Sadness, Nothingness

Today was well, a day. I was on the verge of tears as usual. When I tell people that I have Okay days, they are days that the tears don’t spill out from my eyes. The bad days are the days they do.

I look at my cat’s faces and don’t feel like I deserve their love. I think about how sometimes my apartment gets so dirty and how my cats are used to walking around empty pizza boxes and bags. I feel like I let them down and I try my best to keep it clean. But I fail at that most days.

I feel so disconnected from work friends too. I am still on medical leave and haven’t seen any of them since before Christmas.

I have been seeing friends often, but I still feel a bit invisible. I am still not ready to deal with the bank and my wallet is running on fumes. Today, I managed to shower and eat two meals, I even gathered up all my empties to take back to the store. But that took all my energy. So they’re sitting by the door all bagged up.

I just feel like I failed.

Friday Night and Almost Midnight

If you read my blog post from yesterday and my first blog challenge post, I’m sure you have an idea of where my head’s at right now.

After spewing out the blog post yesterday, I let my phone’s battery completely drain (this will be shocking to people who know me well, I’m sure) and I turned off my music. I picked up Go Ask Alice to finish reading it because I read half then put it down and there itt remained. There was a thunderstorm outside so while I read, I just listened to the rain and for the first time that day, I was breathing deeply and starting to relax. The rest of the night went well and I managed to have an alright sleep. Better than not sleeping at all.

Today, I still didn’t have energy or motivation to do anything except drink coffee. I certainly didn’t want to deal with my bank mainly because I would probably break down crying right then and there. To make matters worse, my doctor’s office called to tell me that my work documents were ready and after not being charged except for the first two times AND being told I can get them to bill my work directly, they said  no and I have to come in person to pay. So I basically hung up the phone and cried a bit. Everybody wants money when you don’t have it, eh?

Anyway, since today is Rachmaninov’s birthday I basically listened to his work all day and read some Edgar Allan Poe. I’ve decided to cut out refined sugar for the month of April and cut back on booze. So ontop of PMS, I have the cravings to get through which will make more ranty. At least I found a copy of the paper and pretty much completed the whole crossword. That’s alright. I also picked up some toilet paper and canned food for my cats from the grocery store. That basically took up all my energy. This post is sort of mundane and I apologise. I just had to get the blah out of my system.


Grumpy McRantyrant