Posts from the ‘help’ Category


The other night, I went to emerg because of my cough and a sharp pain in my chest. I ended up getting a chest x-ray that concluded I have both pneumonia and bronchitis (because just having one would be too easy) and it showed a shape that looked like a bloodclot by my lung.

Queue slight panic attack as they were sticking the iodine dye drip in my arm and walking towards the CT scan room. As I tried to keep things lighthearted with the technician as I got positioned in the machine, the fear and exhaustion by this point had tears spring into my eyes. Naturally, I started thinking about if I DID have a bloodclot, and how if I didn’t catch it, I could have had a stroke or die and that wasn’t really helping the panic going on. Luckily, it ended up just being a bruised rib. I never had thought a sentence like “you may have a bloodclot by your lung” as fear inducing before but it definitely is.
Anyway, I got antibiotics and Ventolin and my cough has subsided quite a bit. The pain is still there but at least it has a chance to heal with the coughing fits minimised. Sucks to be missing out on long walks in the beautiful Autumn weather but I’ve managed to enjoy it a bit with some short walks.
I hope everyone is having a lovely Autumn,

Failure and Disassociation

Yesterday I got some pretty shocking and horrible news. I don’t want to elaborate on here but it just really hit me hard.

At least it allowed those ever-present tears to finally escape my eyes.

The Sun Was Shining Today

I’m not sure how to explain this exactly, but I will give it a shot.

On bad days or my usual “neutral” days where I’m not good but also not in a bad place, I let everything go. I wear the same outfits repeatedly, I don’t clean my apartment, I do the bare minimum. If that. On bad days, I won’t really do much more than feed my cats their daily dose if canned food and go back to bed. On neutral days, I go “through the motions” so to speak. I get up, make coffee, make breakfast, maybe shower, make a dinner, feed my cats and fill their water dish with fresh water.

On bad days, I’m completely oblivious to the mess my apartment has become since my good day. On neutral days, I am aware of the mess but too overwhelmed over the smallest thing to do anything about it.

On good days however, I am completely and wholly aware of the mess and that’s when I do a few dishes, throw garbage in the garbage bins outside, throw the recycling out, clean my washroom, etc. I do as much as I can, even if it hardly makes a dent but at least I do something. I lucked out with yesterday being a good day and today a neutral day, but I had a doctor’s appointment so I had to get up, grab some fruit to eat, make coffee and go. I also managed to sweep up a bit and put some of my garbage out so my kitchen is neater. I did some grocery shopping with the last twenty bucks I had (my bank account is still being investigated) and plan on doing a sinkful of dishes.

At my doctor’s appointment, I sorta yelled at my doctor a bit. All the crap and stressful things that happened, well I took it out on my kind doctor. He was a bit taken aback, reminded me of the emergency numbers I have and waived the fee for my medical forms. I thanked him and apologised, just that the added stress of everything ontop of my not so steady mood was just too much and I had to vent.

On a plus side, it was sunny and fairly warm out. I managed to run quickly to the store in just my sweater. The wind is still cold though. At least the fact that warmer weather is coming is somewhat comforting and gives me a bit of hope.

Life Update; Medical Marijuana, Long Chats and Bank Issues

I haven’t written an update about myself in a bit so I thought I’d update everything.

First things first, my bank is horrible. Since I had to fill out an investigation report, I still don’t have access to my bank account. I got my taxes done and chose the “instant refund” option so they wrote me a cheque. My bank said they had to hold the cheque for four business days and so I called the manager at my home branch. About half an hour later he said he took off the restrictions on my account and I would have to go to a teller instead of using the ATM. I said I understood so I went back to the bank. I gave my cheque to the teller and they said there was going to be a hold. I explained what the manager had JUST TOLD ME on the phone and the manager of that bank said “well that’s not what the notes say.” So I grabbed my cheque back and went to the bank that owned the account. Luckily, the manager gets her taxes done at the same place and let me cash it even though I don’t have a bank account there. So I’m possibly going to be switching banks in the near future.

So that’s the bank problem (that they still haven’t resolved).

At the advice of more than a few people, I got a prescription for medical marijuana. I have never been a pothead, more like a social smoker, if that. So I went to the dispensary and the doctor went over strains that help with depression. As I’ve said before, the sertraline and mirtazapine just sorta neutralise my mood. I am never excited or overjoyed, I’m just apathetic really. Weed not only helps me sleep at night but has increased my appetite a bit and I can actually feel happy. I know that that is what being stoned is like anyway, but it actually feels nice to be “light hearted” again. I’m not stoned 24/7 and mainly only smoke right before I go to bed but I see that it’s helping.

I’ve also been hanging out with friends more and having wonderful chats about everything and it gets me out of my house, which is generally hard for me to do.

Well that’s it for now. I’m still not ready to fully join the world again but it’s improving a little bit at a time.

Sadness, Nothingness

Today was well, a day. I was on the verge of tears as usual. When I tell people that I have Okay days, they are days that the tears don’t spill out from my eyes. The bad days are the days they do.

I look at my cat’s faces and don’t feel like I deserve their love. I think about how sometimes my apartment gets so dirty and how my cats are used to walking around empty pizza boxes and bags. I feel like I let them down and I try my best to keep it clean. But I fail at that most days.

I feel so disconnected from work friends too. I am still on medical leave and haven’t seen any of them since before Christmas.

I have been seeing friends often, but I still feel a bit invisible. I am still not ready to deal with the bank and my wallet is running on fumes. Today, I managed to shower and eat two meals, I even gathered up all my empties to take back to the store. But that took all my energy. So they’re sitting by the door all bagged up.

I just feel like I failed.

Friday Night and Almost Midnight

If you read my blog post from yesterday and my first blog challenge post, I’m sure you have an idea of where my head’s at right now.

After spewing out the blog post yesterday, I let my phone’s battery completely drain (this will be shocking to people who know me well, I’m sure) and I turned off my music. I picked up Go Ask Alice to finish reading it because I read half then put it down and there itt remained. There was a thunderstorm outside so while I read, I just listened to the rain and for the first time that day, I was breathing deeply and starting to relax. The rest of the night went well and I managed to have an alright sleep. Better than not sleeping at all.

Today, I still didn’t have energy or motivation to do anything except drink coffee. I certainly didn’t want to deal with my bank mainly because I would probably break down crying right then and there. To make matters worse, my doctor’s office called to tell me that my work documents were ready and after not being charged except for the first two times AND being told I can get them to bill my work directly, they said  no and I have to come in person to pay. So I basically hung up the phone and cried a bit. Everybody wants money when you don’t have it, eh?

Anyway, since today is Rachmaninov’s birthday I basically listened to his work all day and read some Edgar Allan Poe. I’ve decided to cut out refined sugar for the month of April and cut back on booze. So ontop of PMS, I have the cravings to get through which will make more ranty. At least I found a copy of the paper and pretty much completed the whole crossword. That’s alright. I also picked up some toilet paper and canned food for my cats from the grocery store. That basically took up all my energy. This post is sort of mundane and I apologise. I just had to get the blah out of my system.


Grumpy McRantyrant

This Is It, Don’t Get Scared Now

I honestly don’t even know where to begin with this post. It was a day filled with fuckery right from the very start, really.

Okay, so I had my appointment with the psychiatrist at CAMH today. Or well, I THOUGHT I did and it ended up that the psychiatrist I was supposed to see actually resigned because they are moving across the country. That was sort of the whole fuckery of the day.

They tried to call me, but when they call it pops up “Private Number” and I never answer those because they’re usually scammers or some shit. They left a voicemail as well, but I don’t usually rush to check it for the reasons stated above.

I had originally set my alarm to go off at ten am. Which became eleven thirty…which became noon. Then I sat on my phone on social media for an hour and decided that adding my best friend from primary school on facebook and a dude I had a dream I was visiting (whom I haven’t seen since before high school ended). When I finally got out of bed, it was twelve thirty. Appointment was at two fifteen so I still had time. I drank a coffee with too much sugar in it, which in hindsight was a horrible thing to do because my nerves were beyond “on edge” and I was feeling dizzy and nauseated. I shower and when I get out, it’s now one forty. No biggie, at least I thought.

Turns out I can get there by walking in just under twenty minutes, even in the rain and feeling like I’m going to throw up. When I go to look up the address, I see the note “arrive half an hour before your appointment time”. Well, I arrived fifteen minutes early so this is a terrific start after rushing here.

I go to check in and the receptionist just goes “oh. You didn’t get our voicemails did you?” I say, “no, sorry”. She says “I’m sorry, I will try and help you because the doctor you were supposed to see isn’t here. We tried calling you.” I apologised, my fault not their’s, then she said she would try and squeeze me in with someone since I was there.

I was placed with another paychiatrist and had a whole twenty minutes, where we went over the most basic of basics, I cried. He said since I’m not in a psychosis, I was able to go and book another full hour long appointment to happen within the next couple of weeks and to keep taking the meds I’m taking now.

I go and book the appointment for three weeks from now and then filled out all the registration info. A little backwards, yes but whatever.

I then leave and go to take money out of an ATM and it just says “cancelled” as soon as I enter my PIN. Odd, so then I go to look up my bank balance and find that my online account has also been temporarily locked. Good times. I call the number to see what was going on and was told to go to my nearest branch with two pieces of ID. Great. Fraud.

Because I was exhausted and just finished bawling my eyes out, I just ended up going straight home. The bank can wait.

So, that was my day. And I’m officially an outpatient at a mental hospital.