To keep being stressed to crap? Or to be slightly miserable?
These are my choices. I need a job. A job that pays the bills and a job I can stand. Once I find this job, I will no longer be stressed. This week has been pure hell money-wise and I actually had panic attacks. Not one, not two but every day this week. I couldn’t get out of bed. No, it wasn’t that I didn’t WANT to get out of bed. It wasn’t because I just wanted to sleep in..no. Not at all. It was pure, panic attacks. I laid in bed awake for hours this week, staring at the wall and just thought. Just thought about what the FUCK I am going to do. Didn’t help that I was running a fever and whatnot I suppose…but I literally couldn’t get out of bed. It’s a scary feeling that I would never want anyone to feel. I would sit up and start breathing so heavy, I almost hyperventilated and passed out again so I would lay back down for a bit longer….and repeat.
I visited my parents this weekend and they knew about the whole money/no job situation. They cornered me and told me I could move back in with them. (I can’t quite say “home” in this case, since I’ve never lived in their current house and it has never been my “home”) So there’s something to think about..then I can go to college for some accounting courses, reception/business courses and the like. Something I could never do living on my own. This would mean moving back home after living on my own for 3 years. This would mean giving up a lot of my privacy, freedom, etc. I’m not saying my parents are “nazis” by any means..they’re very easy going. I’m just saying going from living by yourself to living with four other people and abiding by their rules, their schedules, etc. You know, being respectful and the like. That part was ‘meh’ to me. ‘If I absolutely have to do, I will.’ I thought. But there’s a catch (isn’t there always?). I would have to give up one or both of my cats. Give my cats away. My dad doesn’t want four cats living in one house. Okay, again..I can see how four cats is a handful and all that, but I can’t. I can’t give either one of them up. Annabel Lee is one years old..has only ever known me..she runs to me when she’s scared..she wakes up to eat and always checks in for a pet before going to eat. She’s still young, still learning and looks to me for everything and looks to Lola for everything. I couldn’t give her up, leave her by her little self in some shelter for some stranger to buy her and give her a new home. The little kitten I raised..I just couldn’t.
And Lola….I got Lola from the Humane Society so she’s already been abandoned once. She’s a wonderful lap cat, friendly, snuggly..everything I’ve ever wanted in a cat. She was the perfect pick out of all the cats at the shelter for me. She’s also eight years old. If I gave her back to the shelter, not only would she have been abandoned twice, but she’s also an older cat so therefore may not get adopted again. People go to the shelter looking for kittens. Not eight year old cats, no matter how soft or how snuggly she is. She was the first pet cat I had on my own as well, so I could never give her up either.
These are the things I have to think about, as I may or may not continue having panic attacks. Moving back to my parents’ house is the last of all resorts, understand….but I’d only give my cats up over my dead body.
So here’s hoping I find that job soon.