Life Update

Long time, no write yet again. I apologise. I’m not sure if my absence was caused by good news, bad news or just stress completely shutting my whole being down.

I have started a little indie project with a friend that I’ve dove into basically head first with all engines running, as I usually do. This time however, I don’t want to fade out and abandon it like I have so many other things. (If you would like to know more, check out words.toronto for more info 😉 *shameless plug*)

Also, I may have found a way to clear up the woes and mend the rift my previous posts were linked to. Fingers crossed for me as I find out tomorrow.

I’ve started on the mirtazapine again and trying to stick to basically a routine of some sort to help get on track. The medical marijuana helps me fall asleep, the mirtazapine helps me stay asleep, for at least a couple hours. As with before, with the mirtazapine comes the wonderfully weird, nighmarishly pleasant, vivid dreams. Having these absurd dreams is giving me a lot of writing ideas, which I can, helpfully, remember every detail when I wake up. And they normally can last, much like a faded memory, for awhile longer.

My dear little, soft cat Lola is fourteen today. I don’t know her exact birthday so I chose the day I brought her home. Eight years today. So much has happened in that eight years, oh my.

I’ve “forced” myself to start reading again. The reason it’s quoted is because I made use of my library card and found books that I have always wanted to read (Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Salingers’ Catcher in the Rye). I feel a tad silly mentioning those books because everyone I know has at least read one or two and sometimes all three. I never studied them in school like most.

One more quick note before I go back to burying my nose in Gatsby, the new Radiohead album (A Moon Shaped Pool) goes along SO WELL with Gatsby. It’s been awhile since a book and album seem melded like this. The last time I remember feeling the unity would be listening to Tom Waits while reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy. The music just adds so much that you can visualise it.

Anyway, back to reading I go! Here’s to fulfilling those revaluations I had at the start of the year!

(P.S. yes, negative stuff has happened in there too, but I want to actually point out positive things – the sun is shining)

Insomniac

Sorry for neglecting this blog again. I have just been overstressed and when that happens I tend to just shut my mind down.

Luckily, things are turning in my favour a wee bit so I can finally start to relax.

This weekend is Victoria day long weekend so I’m heading down to my parents and just take a big time out.

My cat Lola was sick this past week, she has a health problem that the vets can’t really do anything out. She is feeling better now though. I just get worried about her because she’s thirteen this year so it’s getting tougher for her to recover.

Anyway, the burden on my back is lessening and I’m slowly able to breathe a bit better. I’m taking it day to day, as always.

5am Thoughts

I feel like I’m a huge waste of space and a constant letdown. I try my best but always get placed on the bottom rung. Everyone deserves someone better than me.

Moment of Clarity?

You know when you’re depressed and the apathy surrounds you like a fog? You feel like you don’t have a grip on things and yet, you don’t care at the same time? Then when you do care, you have the lowest feelings about yourself and feel like a failure?

What I found out on Sunday was something of that sort. Except I let things slip that I “normally” would not have, not knowing so because I thought I was ontop of it. Oblivious to me at the time but made obvious on Sunday, I was in worse shape than I knew last year. Now this problem has not only hurt someone I liked and respected, it’s also created a huge mess that I can’t fix by myself at all and will burden others a lot. The one good thing in my life is ruined and I let people down. I can’t even put everything into the right words right now. The problem on Sunday wasn’t even that bad in comparison, but then the last year was reviewed and things I thought I had a grasp on were very much proven the opposite. I really fucked up and I didn’t even realise it at the time.

Failure and Disassociation

Yesterday I got some pretty shocking and horrible news. I don’t want to elaborate on here but it just really hit me hard.

At least it allowed those ever-present tears to finally escape my eyes.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 21

So todays challenge is to write about your zodiac/horoscope and whether you believe in it or not.

To start off, I am a Scorpio and my favourite colour combo is black and red. My ruling planet was Pluto and I’m apparently ruled by my sex organs. I have a scorpion with the Scorpio symbol (coincidentally resembles my first two initials) at the end of the stinger. I used to believe in horoscopes when I was younger but it’s more just amusement for me now. The horoscopes are very vague more often than not.

I will leave you all with my horoscope, as told by a random horoscope site. (Astrology.com)

“Daily Horoscope: Scorpio 
Your reputation is great right now, but you still have to protect it, and make sure it doesn’t get any kind of black mark on it today. Be mindful of who you are associating with right now, because you could be blamed for their actions if you don’t work hard to create a line of separation in the eyes of others. Establishing boundaries protects you and sets a precedent to others that you are not someone who can be pushed around or taken for granted.”

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 20

Yay! We’re officially ten days away from the end. I’m not sure if it had to do with posting everyday or not, but this month seemed to drag for me.

Anyway, today’s challenge is to put my music player (iTunes in this case) on shuffle and write down the first three songs and my thoughts.

Okay, here we go

Song number one:
Let My Fish Loose by Aphex Twin
My thoughts: Well, this is a song off of “26 Mixes for Cash” so I assume this is a remix? It’s haunting but beautiful, with the children’s voices. One of my favourite Aphex Twin songs, sorta jazzy and moody – something I like about AT. Not every song is electronic, some are symphonic, jazzy, melodic, even classical (see Druqks album for that).

Song number two:
Love to Burn – Neil Young & Crazy Horse

My thoughts: I am a Neil Young fan and have his whole discography. Not totally sold on Neil Young and Crazyhorse, only because some songs venture a bit too country for my liking. Although I’m not very familiar with this song in particular, the chorus resoonated with me. “You’ve got love to burn. You’ve got to take a chance”

Song number three:
White Light/White Heat by The Velvet Underground

My thoughts: This is such a fun song, maybe moreso because this is a live version. Growing up, I never really understood Lou Reed (RIP). Now that I’ve actually listened to more than “Take A Walk On The Wildside”, I get his politics, his wicked sense of humour…someone I discovered just as it was too late and he passed. I am reminded very much of NYC whenever VU, Lou Reed, Patti Smith or Le Tigre come on my iPod.