One Year Later

To Jenn,

I thought that if I waited and tried to write this a year later, I would know what I all wanted to say. Surprise! I still don’t, at least not outside of the regular clichés that people write about people who died. Yes, I miss you and yes, sometimes I feel the urge to text you something or I find a funny thing that you would have loved. It’s been a year and that still happens quite often.

Your funeral was lovely and you looked beautiful. So peaceful. Oh! I finally met Chike there! He was every bit as handsome and amazing as you always said. I know you had tried multiple times to get the three of us to hang out but it never ended up working out, one way or another. We recognised each other right away and he said to me “she thought the world of you.” I told him that she thought the same of him as well.

I didn’t find out about your passing until tomorrow morning, technically. I woke up to get a drink of water at 8am. I saw a text from your number. I remember not being fully awake and wondering how the hell you were up at 8am lol. You hated mornings as much as I do. The text was from your father. All he had to let me know was my number in your phone. I was numbed, in shock, I couldn’t believe it was real. I guess that’s typical when someone dies suddenly.

I hear Neighbours 2 is in theatres. Remember when we saw the first one and I was gushing over Zac and you were gushing over Dave? I remember repeating jokes from the movie with you for the rest of the night. I haven’t been to too many movies since. You were always my movie buddy.

Well, now I’ve gone and done it. Made myself so upset I can barely see the screen. I miss you.

From your “bestest bud”(as you always called me) Meggie

Bat for Lashes – Laura

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Writing by the Lake and Dating with Depression

Hello!

I decided to walk down to the lake to do some writing and reading until it gets too dark to do either. I always come here just to chill and sometimes sit and watch the waves. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’ve always lived near water and how I find comfort in it. I saw this on tumblr and though that it was so true.

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Anyway, onto other things.

Well, as you might have guessed from the title, I may be venturing into the dating world again. Maybe. A guy I find attractive (and funny and smart, etc) is showing some interest in me back. This hasn’t happen in a long* time. (*Read: embarrassingly long time) Skipping over the embarrassing story, we’ve added each other to facebook and my friend’s telling me to ask him out. Now, I’m not a hugely shy person most of the time but I can be in this field and of course, he’s younger than me. (If you know me, you know almost every boyfriend I’ve had is younger than me.)

Now the next step is that I’ve always been open about my depression and I don’t feel ashamed as I know it’s a part and not ALL of me, but him being younger than me and all…well…I just don’t want to freak him out if things go down the romantic route, you know? It takes a very patient and understanding person to care for someone with a mental illness (I’m not saying he isn’t at all) because again, I’m still not 100% my “normal” self, although I am a lot better than I was a year ago. Hell, even a month ago to be honest.

I’m definitely not one to rush into things, even though this developed quite quick but I’m just taking it as it goes. I just haven’t had to confess (if that’s the right word?) that I struggle with depression before.

Anyway, that’s it for now. Why can’t life just be simple?

Life Update

Long time, no write yet again. I apologise. I’m not sure if my absence was caused by good news, bad news or just stress completely shutting my whole being down.

I have started a little indie project with a friend that I’ve dove into basically head first with all engines running, as I usually do. This time however, I don’t want to fade out and abandon it like I have so many other things. (If you would like to know more, check out words.toronto for more info 😉 *shameless plug*)

Also, I may have found a way to clear up the woes and mend the rift my previous posts were linked to. Fingers crossed for me as I find out tomorrow.

I’ve started on the mirtazapine again and trying to stick to basically a routine of some sort to help get on track. The medical marijuana helps me fall asleep, the mirtazapine helps me stay asleep, for at least a couple hours. As with before, with the mirtazapine comes the wonderfully weird, nighmarishly pleasant, vivid dreams. Having these absurd dreams is giving me a lot of writing ideas, which I can, helpfully, remember every detail when I wake up. And they normally can last, much like a faded memory, for awhile longer.

My dear little, soft cat Lola is fourteen today. I don’t know her exact birthday so I chose the day I brought her home. Eight years today. So much has happened in that eight years, oh my.

I’ve “forced” myself to start reading again. The reason it’s quoted is because I made use of my library card and found books that I have always wanted to read (Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Salingers’ Catcher in the Rye). I feel a tad silly mentioning those books because everyone I know has at least read one or two and sometimes all three. I never studied them in school like most.

One more quick note before I go back to burying my nose in Gatsby, the new Radiohead album (A Moon Shaped Pool) goes along SO WELL with Gatsby. It’s been awhile since a book and album seem melded like this. The last time I remember feeling the unity would be listening to Tom Waits while reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy. The music just adds so much that you can visualise it.

Anyway, back to reading I go! Here’s to fulfilling those revaluations I had at the start of the year!

(P.S. yes, negative stuff has happened in there too, but I want to actually point out positive things – the sun is shining)

Insomniac

Sorry for neglecting this blog again. I have just been overstressed and when that happens I tend to just shut my mind down.

Luckily, things are turning in my favour a wee bit so I can finally start to relax.

This weekend is Victoria day long weekend so I’m heading down to my parents and just take a big time out.

My cat Lola was sick this past week, she has a health problem that the vets can’t really do anything out. She is feeling better now though. I just get worried about her because she’s thirteen this year so it’s getting tougher for her to recover.

Anyway, the burden on my back is lessening and I’m slowly able to breathe a bit better. I’m taking it day to day, as always.

5am Thoughts

I feel like I’m a huge waste of space and a constant letdown. I try my best but always get placed on the bottom rung. Everyone deserves someone better than me.

Moment of Clarity?

You know when you’re depressed and the apathy surrounds you like a fog? You feel like you don’t have a grip on things and yet, you don’t care at the same time? Then when you do care, you have the lowest feelings about yourself and feel like a failure?

What I found out on Sunday was something of that sort. Except I let things slip that I “normally” would not have, not knowing so because I thought I was ontop of it. Oblivious to me at the time but made obvious on Sunday, I was in worse shape than I knew last year. Now this problem has not only hurt someone I liked and respected, it’s also created a huge mess that I can’t fix by myself at all and will burden others a lot. The one good thing in my life is ruined and I let people down. I can’t even put everything into the right words right now. The problem on Sunday wasn’t even that bad in comparison, but then the last year was reviewed and things I thought I had a grasp on were very much proven the opposite. I really fucked up and I didn’t even realise it at the time.

Failure and Disassociation

Yesterday I got some pretty shocking and horrible news. I don’t want to elaborate on here but it just really hit me hard.

At least it allowed those ever-present tears to finally escape my eyes.