5am Thoughts

I feel like I’m a huge waste of space and a constant letdown. I try my best but always get placed on the bottom rung. Everyone deserves someone better than me.

Moment of Clarity?

You know when you’re depressed and the apathy surrounds you like a fog? You feel like you don’t have a grip on things and yet, you don’t care at the same time? Then when you do care, you have the lowest feelings about yourself and feel like a failure?

What I found out on Sunday was something of that sort. Except I let things slip that I “normally” would not have, not knowing so because I thought I was ontop of it. Oblivious to me at the time but made obvious on Sunday, I was in worse shape than I knew last year. Now this problem has not only hurt someone I liked and respected, it’s also created a huge mess that I can’t fix by myself at all and will burden others a lot. The one good thing in my life is ruined and I let people down. I can’t even put everything into the right words right now. The problem on Sunday wasn’t even that bad in comparison, but then the last year was reviewed and things I thought I had a grasp on were very much proven the opposite. I really fucked up and I didn’t even realise it at the time.

Failure and Disassociation

Yesterday I got some pretty shocking and horrible news. I don’t want to elaborate on here but it just really hit me hard.

At least it allowed those ever-present tears to finally escape my eyes.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 21

So todays challenge is to write about your zodiac/horoscope and whether you believe in it or not.

To start off, I am a Scorpio and my favourite colour combo is black and red. My ruling planet was Pluto and I’m apparently ruled by my sex organs. I have a scorpion with the Scorpio symbol (coincidentally resembles my first two initials) at the end of the stinger. I used to believe in horoscopes when I was younger but it’s more just amusement for me now. The horoscopes are very vague more often than not.

I will leave you all with my horoscope, as told by a random horoscope site. (Astrology.com)

“Daily Horoscope: Scorpio 
Your reputation is great right now, but you still have to protect it, and make sure it doesn’t get any kind of black mark on it today. Be mindful of who you are associating with right now, because you could be blamed for their actions if you don’t work hard to create a line of separation in the eyes of others. Establishing boundaries protects you and sets a precedent to others that you are not someone who can be pushed around or taken for granted.”

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 20

Yay! We’re officially ten days away from the end. I’m not sure if it had to do with posting everyday or not, but this month seemed to drag for me.

Anyway, today’s challenge is to put my music player (iTunes in this case) on shuffle and write down the first three songs and my thoughts.

Okay, here we go

Song number one:
Let My Fish Loose by Aphex Twin
My thoughts: Well, this is a song off of “26 Mixes for Cash” so I assume this is a remix? It’s haunting but beautiful, with the children’s voices. One of my favourite Aphex Twin songs, sorta jazzy and moody – something I like about AT. Not every song is electronic, some are symphonic, jazzy, melodic, even classical (see Druqks album for that).

Song number two:
Love to Burn – Neil Young & Crazy Horse

My thoughts: I am a Neil Young fan and have his whole discography. Not totally sold on Neil Young and Crazyhorse, only because some songs venture a bit too country for my liking. Although I’m not very familiar with this song in particular, the chorus resoonated with me. “You’ve got love to burn. You’ve got to take a chance”

Song number three:
White Light/White Heat by The Velvet Underground

My thoughts: This is such a fun song, maybe moreso because this is a live version. Growing up, I never really understood Lou Reed (RIP). Now that I’ve actually listened to more than “Take A Walk On The Wildside”, I get his politics, his wicked sense of humour…someone I discovered just as it was too late and he passed. I am reminded very much of NYC whenever VU, Lou Reed, Patti Smith or Le Tigre come on my iPod.

30 Day Blog Post, Day 19

I’m a little under the weather today, what with late night gorging of too much chocolate to neverending upset digestive system today. Getting older sucks.

Anyway, today’s blog challenge is to write about five fears. Of course, a person’s fear usually is caused by either knowing the painful, hurtful result to said fear.

Of course, the first two are fairly common phobias – heights and falling. I have panic attacks before going on rollercoasters and once the ride is over, I can’t wait to ride it again. I get vertigo when it comes to even standing in an office chair or a stool. I absolutely hate ice because of my fear of falling as well. I will try to avoid going outside at all costs, especially if it had recently freezing rained or melted some snow then a big temperature drop.

So that’s the first two.

The next one is not so common and I have touched on it, skimmed the surface of it in other blog posts here. Quite simply, becoming invisible. I don’t mean actually fading away and becoming invisible, I mean more towards friends or family. Like a friend you were close to but never speak to anymore. If when you try to reach out, you don’t get a reply back. When you walk down the street and constantly have to move out of other people’s way because they aren’t and you feel invisible. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword for me, part of the reason that I moved to Toronto was to have some anonymous aspect of myself within the crowd.

My fourth fear is lack of self control and ending my life. These two are tied together because even though I have suicidal ideation everyday, I fear death. I fear the day that my body loses it’s fight with depression and gives up. I lack self control mainly because nearly everyday, I have no feeling in regards to living or dying. It’s hard to explain how not caring if I die yet being terrified of dying happens at the same time i  my brain. Or maybe I’m afraid because I know not caring if I live or die is not a good thing to feel? Morally? I’m not sure.

The last fear I have sorta links back to the third fear. That you reconnect with someone who knows everything about you but neither of you can think of even small talk to say. When the relationship, whatever it may be, has ended and you know in your gut that it’s ended.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Days 16, 17, 18

Okay, I will admit it. I lagged again. I was visiting family though, so I guess that’s a bit of an excuse?

Anyway, I will catch up now. Thanks for being patient.

Day 16 is to bullet point my day. Luckily I didn’t do much so I basically remember it all.

– woke up about three in the afternoon
– drank coffee, ate a banana
-sat and read stories on my phone
– ate some of my mom’s homemade oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies

– supper was FINALLY ready so I ate that
– watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the first time
– ate more cookies
– went to bed about 12:30am

Super exciting, I know.

Day 17’s challenge was “a quote I try to live by”. Hmmm. I don’t really have a quote per se, except a little saying I made up – “There will be some good days, but also some bad days. There may seem to be a lot of bad days, but there will be a lot of good days too”. I guess it goes back to my fascination with the yin yang that I’ve had since I was little. It’s something I remember more when I’ve had a lot of bad days and need to remind myself that everything will balance out. I think that’s the gist of it anyway, if you can understand that.

Today is Day 18 and I have to write “my facourite colour and why”. My favourite colour is red and I’m honestly not sure why? Maybe because it’s vibrant and seductive at the same time.

That’s it for now. Cheers!