30 Day Blog Post, Day 19

I’m a little under the weather today, what with late night gorging of too much chocolate to neverending upset digestive system today. Getting older sucks.

Anyway, today’s blog challenge is to write about five fears. Of course, a person’s fear usually is caused by either knowing the painful, hurtful result to said fear.

Of course, the first two are fairly common phobias – heights and falling. I have panic attacks before going on rollercoasters and once the ride is over, I can’t wait to ride it again. I get vertigo when it comes to even standing in an office chair or a stool. I absolutely hate ice because of my fear of falling as well. I will try to avoid going outside at all costs, especially if it had recently freezing rained or melted some snow then a big temperature drop.

So that’s the first two.

The next one is not so common and I have touched on it, skimmed the surface of it in other blog posts here. Quite simply, becoming invisible. I don’t mean actually fading away and becoming invisible, I mean more towards friends or family. Like a friend you were close to but never speak to anymore. If when you try to reach out, you don’t get a reply back. When you walk down the street and constantly have to move out of other people’s way because they aren’t and you feel invisible. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword for me, part of the reason that I moved to Toronto was to have some anonymous aspect of myself within the crowd.

My fourth fear is lack of self control and ending my life. These two are tied together because even though I have suicidal ideation everyday, I fear death. I fear the day that my body loses it’s fight with depression and gives up. I lack self control mainly because nearly everyday, I have no feeling in regards to living or dying. It’s hard to explain how not caring if I die yet being terrified of dying happens at the same time i  my brain. Or maybe I’m afraid because I know not caring if I live or die is not a good thing to feel? Morally? I’m not sure.

The last fear I have sorta links back to the third fear. That you reconnect with someone who knows everything about you but neither of you can think of even small talk to say. When the relationship, whatever it may be, has ended and you know in your gut that it’s ended.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Days 16, 17, 18

Okay, I will admit it. I lagged again. I was visiting family though, so I guess that’s a bit of an excuse?

Anyway, I will catch up now. Thanks for being patient.

Day 16 is to bullet point my day. Luckily I didn’t do much so I basically remember it all.

– woke up about three in the afternoon
– drank coffee, ate a banana
-sat and read stories on my phone
– ate some of my mom’s homemade oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies

– supper was FINALLY ready so I ate that
– watched Star Wars: The Force Awakens for the first time
– ate more cookies
– went to bed about 12:30am

Super exciting, I know.

Day 17’s challenge was “a quote I try to live by”. Hmmm. I don’t really have a quote per se, except a little saying I made up – “There will be some good days, but also some bad days. There may seem to be a lot of bad days, but there will be a lot of good days too”. I guess it goes back to my fascination with the yin yang that I’ve had since I was little. It’s something I remember more when I’ve had a lot of bad days and need to remind myself that everything will balance out. I think that’s the gist of it anyway, if you can understand that.

Today is Day 18 and I have to write “my facourite colour and why”. My favourite colour is red and I’m honestly not sure why? Maybe because it’s vibrant and seductive at the same time.

That’s it for now. Cheers!

30 Day Blog Post Challenge, Day 15

Halfway! I have officially reached halfway!

Alright, so today’s challenge is to list three pet peeves. I know a lot of things bother me, but I’m finding it hard to think up three individual, unrelated ones. Anyway, here it goes!

1. Blocking the sidewalk – This could be anything from walking slowly with little kids and I can’t get around you, walking slowly in a big group of people or walking your dog on a leash, with you walking by the buildings and your dog walking curbside. I am generally a faster walker than most people so not being able to get around people ESPECIALLY if I need to be somewhere at a certain time, will get you cursed at.

2. Standing in a long line then when you get up to the counter, you haven’t decided what you want – This is the worst. It is even more the worst when it’s at say, a coffee shop where there isn’t a huge selection. These people are usually the first to get irritated because the line isn’t moving then proceed to get up to the counter and hmmm and haw over ehat they want. Here’s an idea; WHEN YOU’RE PISSED OFF STANDING IN LINE FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME, CHOOSE EHAT YOU WANT THEN SO YOUR ORDER GOES THROUGH QUICKLY. I’m not sure why this is so difficult for people to understand.

3. Littering RIGHT infront of a garbage can – Really? You couldn’t take ONE more step to make sure your trash ended up in the bin instead of the ground? Really?

Okay, ranty pet peeve me is done. Do any of these bother you as well or am I completely alone with peeving these?

(Also, if you are participating iin this challenge as well, let me know!)

30 Day Blog Post, Day 14

Today’s challenge is to write about how my life will be in seven years.

Well, I’m hoping I will not only still be alive, but that I would be happier than I am now. I know depression will always be a part of me, but I hope to have a much better grasp on it than I do now.

I want to be in a job I actually enjoy, not settle for and get the short end of the stick, but I actually enjoy.

As much as I love Toronto, I hear the west calling me again. It’s been far too long since I’ve been out there and I really would like to spend a summer in the mountain cabin, deep in the woods. Think Banff/Canmore or Whistler. Not too sure about winter yet as I dislike it here.

I will also hope that within the next seven years, I will have backpacked through the UK, maybe even lived there for a bit? And maybe not live but at least visit. That would be nice.

Anyway, that’s basically it for this blog post.

The Sun Was Shining Today

I’m not sure how to explain this exactly, but I will give it a shot.

On bad days or my usual “neutral” days where I’m not good but also not in a bad place, I let everything go. I wear the same outfits repeatedly, I don’t clean my apartment, I do the bare minimum. If that. On bad days, I won’t really do much more than feed my cats their daily dose if canned food and go back to bed. On neutral days, I go “through the motions” so to speak. I get up, make coffee, make breakfast, maybe shower, make a dinner, feed my cats and fill their water dish with fresh water.

On bad days, I’m completely oblivious to the mess my apartment has become since my good day. On neutral days, I am aware of the mess but too overwhelmed over the smallest thing to do anything about it.

On good days however, I am completely and wholly aware of the mess and that’s when I do a few dishes, throw garbage in the garbage bins outside, throw the recycling out, clean my washroom, etc. I do as much as I can, even if it hardly makes a dent but at least I do something. I lucked out with yesterday being a good day and today a neutral day, but I had a doctor’s appointment so I had to get up, grab some fruit to eat, make coffee and go. I also managed to sweep up a bit and put some of my garbage out so my kitchen is neater. I did some grocery shopping with the last twenty bucks I had (my bank account is still being investigated) and plan on doing a sinkful of dishes.

At my doctor’s appointment, I sorta yelled at my doctor a bit. All the crap and stressful things that happened, well I took it out on my kind doctor. He was a bit taken aback, reminded me of the emergency numbers I have and waived the fee for my medical forms. I thanked him and apologised, just that the added stress of everything ontop of my not so steady mood was just too much and I had to vent.

On a plus side, it was sunny and fairly warm out. I managed to run quickly to the store in just my sweater. The wind is still cold though. At least the fact that warmer weather is coming is somewhat comforting and gives me a bit of hope.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 13

Today’s challenge is “describe your commute to work/school/etc”. Well as you probably know, I’m still on medical leave from work. I’m starting an online course on Music as Biology on Monday so I won’t have a commute there either.

Anyway, going back to when I was going to work, I worked at both locations. There’s one in Oakville, that commute takes me an hour and a half. I take the GO train (quite a scenic view from Toronto to Clarkson station) and the bus from there to work. Fairly easy and simple.

When I work at the Vaughan location, however it is more than a bit of a hike. It takes in total two hours and that’s only if there aren’t any delays. I take the streetcar to the subway( Bloor line), then take the subway west to Jane station, the Jane rocket to Jane/Steeles, cross the street and catch the YRT Jane bus going north to Vaughan Mills. As much as I love the people in Vaughan, having to work an eight hour shift and travelling a minimum of two hours each way is beyond tiring. It’s pretty much the only time that I wish I had a car because you can take the highway and be there in twenty minutes.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 12

Now this one is going to be quite entertaining, even if it’s just entertaining for me (sorry guys). Today I am to write about two words/phrases that make me laugh. Both of them are inside jokes so I will try and communicate the moment but it will probably end up being a moment of “you had to be there”.

The first phrase is “It’s just the lighting”. A friend, my middle sister and I were making kraft dinner, we had to be young so I’m thinking I was maybe around twelve? Anyway, I was able to cook KD.

So I was stirring in the milk and cheesy powder and my friend kept looking in the pot and saying there were lumps (if you aren’t familiar with KD, since the cheese mix is powder, it can clump up a lot when liquid is added). So I kept stirring and stirring and she kept saying tgere was still lumps, so I said a little harshly “IT’S JUST THE LIGHTING!” My kitchen had good lighting and we just collapsed in a huge fit of laughter. That phrase has stuck with my sister and since and everytime time someone doubts something around us, one of us will say “it’s just the lighting” so offhand and laugh.

The next phrase is “Froggy says, ‘I can’t wait til Christmas!’ With his camera eyebulb”. Froggy is my middle sister’s stuffed animal that she had growing up. During a slightly rumbunctous night at the cottage, Froggy lost one of his glass eyes. It became unglued. This became his “camera eyebulb” as stated above. I don’t remember how the “I can’t wait for Christmas” came about, considering it was August and we were at the beach. Still though, any mention of Froggy’s impatience towards Christmas or his “camera eyebulb” makes me giggle.