Posts tagged ‘anxiety’

Failure and Disassociation

Yesterday I got some pretty shocking and horrible news. I don’t want to elaborate on here but it just really hit me hard.

At least it allowed those ever-present tears to finally escape my eyes.

30 Day Blog Post, Day 14

Today’s challenge is to write about how my life will be in seven years.

Well, I’m hoping I will not only still be alive, but that I would be happier than I am now. I know depression will always be a part of me, but I hope to have a much better grasp on it than I do now.

I want to be in a job I actually enjoy, not settle for and get the short end of the stick, but I actually enjoy.

As much as I love Toronto, I hear the west calling me again. It’s been far too long since I’ve been out there and I really would like to spend a summer in the mountain cabin, deep in the woods. Think Banff/Canmore or Whistler. Not too sure about winter yet as I dislike it here.

I will also hope that within the next seven years, I will have backpacked through the UK, maybe even lived there for a bit? And maybe not live but at least visit. That would be nice.

Anyway, that’s basically it for this blog post.

The Sun Was Shining Today

I’m not sure how to explain this exactly, but I will give it a shot.

On bad days or my usual “neutral” days where I’m not good but also not in a bad place, I let everything go. I wear the same outfits repeatedly, I don’t clean my apartment, I do the bare minimum. If that. On bad days, I won’t really do much more than feed my cats their daily dose if canned food and go back to bed. On neutral days, I go “through the motions” so to speak. I get up, make coffee, make breakfast, maybe shower, make a dinner, feed my cats and fill their water dish with fresh water.

On bad days, I’m completely oblivious to the mess my apartment has become since my good day. On neutral days, I am aware of the mess but too overwhelmed over the smallest thing to do anything about it.

On good days however, I am completely and wholly aware of the mess and that’s when I do a few dishes, throw garbage in the garbage bins outside, throw the recycling out, clean my washroom, etc. I do as much as I can, even if it hardly makes a dent but at least I do something. I lucked out with yesterday being a good day and today a neutral day, but I had a doctor’s appointment so I had to get up, grab some fruit to eat, make coffee and go. I also managed to sweep up a bit and put some of my garbage out so my kitchen is neater. I did some grocery shopping with the last twenty bucks I had (my bank account is still being investigated) and plan on doing a sinkful of dishes.

At my doctor’s appointment, I sorta yelled at my doctor a bit. All the crap and stressful things that happened, well I took it out on my kind doctor. He was a bit taken aback, reminded me of the emergency numbers I have and waived the fee for my medical forms. I thanked him and apologised, just that the added stress of everything ontop of my not so steady mood was just too much and I had to vent.

On a plus side, it was sunny and fairly warm out. I managed to run quickly to the store in just my sweater. The wind is still cold though. At least the fact that warmer weather is coming is somewhat comforting and gives me a bit of hope.

Life Update; Medical Marijuana, Long Chats and Bank Issues

I haven’t written an update about myself in a bit so I thought I’d update everything.

First things first, my bank is horrible. Since I had to fill out an investigation report, I still don’t have access to my bank account. I got my taxes done and chose the “instant refund” option so they wrote me a cheque. My bank said they had to hold the cheque for four business days and so I called the manager at my home branch. About half an hour later he said he took off the restrictions on my account and I would have to go to a teller instead of using the ATM. I said I understood so I went back to the bank. I gave my cheque to the teller and they said there was going to be a hold. I explained what the manager had JUST TOLD ME on the phone and the manager of that bank said “well that’s not what the notes say.” So I grabbed my cheque back and went to the bank that owned the account. Luckily, the manager gets her taxes done at the same place and let me cash it even though I don’t have a bank account there. So I’m possibly going to be switching banks in the near future.

So that’s the bank problem (that they still haven’t resolved).

At the advice of more than a few people, I got a prescription for medical marijuana. I have never been a pothead, more like a social smoker, if that. So I went to the dispensary and the doctor went over strains that help with depression. As I’ve said before, the sertraline and mirtazapine just sorta neutralise my mood. I am never excited or overjoyed, I’m just apathetic really. Weed not only helps me sleep at night but has increased my appetite a bit and I can actually feel happy. I know that that is what being stoned is like anyway, but it actually feels nice to be “light hearted” again. I’m not stoned 24/7 and mainly only smoke right before I go to bed but I see that it’s helping.

I’ve also been hanging out with friends more and having wonderful chats about everything and it gets me out of my house, which is generally hard for me to do.

Well that’s it for now. I’m still not ready to fully join the world again but it’s improving a little bit at a time.

Sadness, Nothingness

Today was well, a day. I was on the verge of tears as usual. When I tell people that I have Okay days, they are days that the tears don’t spill out from my eyes. The bad days are the days they do.

I look at my cat’s faces and don’t feel like I deserve their love. I think about how sometimes my apartment gets so dirty and how my cats are used to walking around empty pizza boxes and bags. I feel like I let them down and I try my best to keep it clean. But I fail at that most days.

I feel so disconnected from work friends too. I am still on medical leave and haven’t seen any of them since before Christmas.

I have been seeing friends often, but I still feel a bit invisible. I am still not ready to deal with the bank and my wallet is running on fumes. Today, I managed to shower and eat two meals, I even gathered up all my empties to take back to the store. But that took all my energy. So they’re sitting by the door all bagged up.

I just feel like I failed.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 4

For today’s challenge, it’ll be 10 Interesting Facts about myself. Well. I’m not sure what exactly to write that would be interesting about myself but I’ll try.

1) I recently found an interest in trees
Yep, Bonsai, Spruce…even cacti. I’ve recently been exploring options to possibly work in this field. I find it peaceful.

2) I don’t drive
This seems like quite the common thing with myself and friends. I can count on one hand how many have a valid driver’s license. I have never got one, not even a beginner’s permit.

3) I am basically ambidextrous
I can basically do everything with both hands, mainly I think because I grew up predominently left handed in a right handed household.

4) my most favourite authors, musical groups and movies fall with the O, P, Q, R, part of the alphabet

Orwell, Poe, Palahniuk. Queen, Radiohead, Rancid. Requiem for a Dream, SLC Punk. It wasn’t intentional but I find it funny that they all fall in those letters.

5) One of the teachers at my highschool framed my poem and put it in her classroom

Since this technically is a WRITING challenge, I’m not sure if I still have said poem, nor do I remember what it was about but a highschool teacher (who I never had) liked the poem so much she got it framed. That was pretty neat.

6) I’ve never travelled outside of North America

Ontop of that, up until three years ago, I didn’t even have a passport or had left Canada. I want to travel overseas but I’m slightly afraid that I might love it too much and want to stay. I’m a wanderer that basically falls in love with any place I travel to.

7)  I have a soft spot for animals

Although I am not strictly vegan or vegetarian, I have a real sentimental spot for them. I am actively trying to reduce my meat intake.

8) I was once on a childrens tv show juggling wigs

I was eating breakfast at Yonge and Dundas square and got asked to take part in a segment for a tv show. It was pretty fun and I ended up knowing the host because hes one of my sister’s friends.

9) I wash my hair once a week

I know that sounds a bit gross, but you can actually build up your hair to only need to be washed once a week and it controls oils, plus essentially you save money on shampoo in the long run.

10) I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at age 16

I know it’s tricky to be diagnosed with that when your a teenager due to changing hormones and all that, but I had started seeing a therapist off and on since. I also only got medicated for the first time last year.

30 Day Blog Challenge, Day 3

I’m officially five minutes late for this one. I apologise. I had a dinner with my friend who recently moved back to Toronto. Plus procrastination because I could have wrote it before hand.

Anyway, day three of the Blog challenge is First Love or First Kiss. To be quite honest, I really can’t remember either – as sad as that is. I also probably didn’t end up dating them so it wouldn’t be anything of fairy tales.

I DO remember having crushes on Pee Wee Herman, He-Man, Gomez and Robin from the original Batman series. Apparently I got crushes on just about anyone I watched on tv growing up.

I crush on all the guys (some females too, I mean…Michelle Pfieffer’s Catwoman? How could you not?) So there’s that. Nothing magical, nothing special.