Posts tagged ‘depression’

#RIPChester

*Trigger warning – suicide, depression*
Well this has taken me a few days to write, for numerous reasons. As everyone probably knows by now, we lost Chester last Thursday to suicide. Out of all the recent celebrity deaths, this one hurt. 

As people who follow this blog know, I’ve been very open about living with Major Depressive Disorder and have for about half my life. I’ve also talked about how having one of my best friends lose their life to suicide made that depression come back tenfold. So much so that I ended up being put on antidepressants because three months after the fact, I was only getting worse and not better. I went from thinking,”I could never put my family and friends through this” to believing it was the only option. Luckily, my doctor’s office was a short walk from my place and I made an appointment with a psychologist.
One of Chester’s good friends, Chris Cornell, died by suicide a couple months ago. Chester passed away on what would have been Chris Cornell’s 53rd birthday. 

Although I never knew Chester personally, he was one of the few voices that helped me cope with depression when I was first diagnosed as a teen. I remember the first time I first heard Linkin Park, back in 2000 when I was 15. It was when I was babysitting for my parents friends and they had satellite. It was one of those big ones that would take up your whole backyard but you could get AMERICAN CHANNELS! That meant MTV!!! Satellite wasn’t anything like how it is nowadays and the internet was definitely nowhere near what it is today. It quickly became a habit of mine whenever I would babysit for this family to put on MTV as soon as the kids were asleep.
Well, this band called Linkin Park comes on, with a neat video for a song called One Step Closer. I watched and thought, “these guys are so cool!” They had the dyed hair like me, had cool tattoos and I could identify with the lyrics. They instantly joined KoRn and Limp Bizkit in the “current favourite bands” category and with that babysitting money, I went and bought the cd shortly after.
The song that resonated the most then (and still does), was the song Crawling. I was recently diagnosed with depression, getting bullied in highschool and it summed everything I felt so articulately, something I’m still struggling with expressing, most times.
Flashforward a bit and I’m at Ozzfest 2001. Although the lineup had a lot of amazing bands on it, I was there to see them more than anything. I remember they opened up with “With You” and my tall friend decided to put my short ass on his shoulders so I could see. I remember the band playing and I remember during the first chorus, Chester pointed right in my general direction as he sang the words “WITH YOU”. I’d still like to think he was pointing right at me as I was a good 5ft higher than the crowd, but let’s not kid ourselves. Ha.
It was a show I knew I would remember for the rest of my life and I remember I was so happy just to witness it.

Now flashforward a few years as I am now, nineteen/twenty and they’ve changed their sound quite a bit and I lost most of my interest in them. Musical tastes change, happens to everyone but every so often I would still check in with them and check out their stuff. I loved a few songs, but they were no longer “MY FAVOURITE BAND EVER!!!!!!!1” I would still occasionally pop in Hybrid Theory or the other couple cds I have to reminisce. I never completely ended up hating them (*cough Muse cough*) or anything like that. It was more like just growing apart from an old buddy, really. I wished them well and all the success and I’m glad they did so well, in the years since. 
If I had gotten the chance to sit down with Chester, in the past couple months, I would have told him how much he helped me and to tell him, I know how much it hurts. Hell, it’s been two years since my friend died and it still hurts – less than it did the first year, but it’s still in the back of my mind. I would have maybe made him feel less alone, knowing I had went through the same situation. I wish I could have been there for him like he was for me so many years ago. I am forever grateful and thankful for him being a “guardian angel” for me years ago and I hope he is now at peace.

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Life Update

Hello all!
I hope everyone’s year is going well so far. I’m so sorry for neglecting this blog, even though I promised to write more. I’ve been quite busy the past few months.
I was accepted to a University and taking online beginner courses in Neurobiology. That’s been taking most of my time, to be honest. It’s super fun though and extremely interesting! (Writing this blog is my err….break from researching for my dissertation.) 
Aside from my courses, I have also been doing barre exercises and yoga at usually three days a week. I am finding it makes my body and mind a lot better. I am still having to take my medication, but I find that the two combined helps a lot – even on my off days.
I have been playing my guitar again (yay!) And trying to relearn all the songs I’ve written that I haven’t played in nearly two years. Luckily, I don’t have a concussion this time so I’m actually able to memorise my lyrics. 

I caught up with some family friends I haven’t seen in SO LONG over the holidays and I have planned to go visit two of them out west. Short political opinion insert here – I have decided to boycott travelling to the US during this Presidency and therefore I’m making a Canadian trip to Vancouver for six days, Banff for three and Calgary for six. I’m super excited because I haven’t been out west in about ten years and truth be told, I really miss it. A bonus being I can go hang out with my friends as well while I’m out there! Double score!

So far, I have been having a pretty good year. Already made a short visit to Montreal and hung out with some band friends there (and a bit in Toronto too!)
I hope that you’re having a great year so far and if so, that it continues. If your year has been a struggle so far, I hope it improves for you! 
I’m going to leave you with some photos and see you later!
Cheers!


Can I Just Give a Big Fuck You?

I wasn’t going to write about it because I’m personally not a fan of ‘Ye’s, but I am SICK of seeing the “Kanye” memes going around right now. He was hospitalised for a mental illness and has been hospitalised for over a week. I’m sick of seeing memes making fun of him for being hospitalised. Sick of people laughing at him having to stay in a hospital longer than “they” (the media) originally thought.  I’m so sick of it.

I’m sick of it because I ended up hospitalised for depression last year. I’m sick of it because I have a friend who was hospitalised get out only to kill herself. I’m sick of it because one of the best people I have ever known is currently in a hospital, TRYING to get better. 
Kanye has said more than one horrible, questioning thing over the years – don’t get me wrong. But I still have sympathy for him. Good for those who carried on touring when they have cancer – whether it’s Gord Downie or Lenny or whomever. Kanye was hospitalised and his tour was cancelled because he fell into “threat to himself or others”. If Gord Downie was hallucinating and trying to kill his band members, he would have also been pulled from touring. 
I’m sick of people thinking people who suffer from mental illness are so laughable as the ill push themselves more than they should while people who have cancer are regarded as “brave heroes” for trying to carry on at the best of their ability. 
I’m sick of it.

Bloodclot

The other night, I went to emerg because of my cough and a sharp pain in my chest. I ended up getting a chest x-ray that concluded I have both pneumonia and bronchitis (because just having one would be too easy) and it showed a shape that looked like a bloodclot by my lung.

Queue slight panic attack as they were sticking the iodine dye drip in my arm and walking towards the CT scan room. As I tried to keep things lighthearted with the technician as I got positioned in the machine, the fear and exhaustion by this point had tears spring into my eyes. Naturally, I started thinking about if I DID have a bloodclot, and how if I didn’t catch it, I could have had a stroke or die and that wasn’t really helping the panic going on. Luckily, it ended up just being a bruised rib. I never had thought a sentence like “you may have a bloodclot by your lung” as fear inducing before but it definitely is.
Anyway, I got antibiotics and Ventolin and my cough has subsided quite a bit. The pain is still there but at least it has a chance to heal with the coughing fits minimised. Sucks to be missing out on long walks in the beautiful Autumn weather but I’ve managed to enjoy it a bit with some short walks.
I hope everyone is having a lovely Autumn,
Megan

After Years of Waiting….

…. I finally got to see one of my favourite bands. Of course, I had to travel to Austin to see them but it was so worth it. The setlist was perfect, the weather that night was perfect (cooled down from the 34°C + humidity that was during the day).
The bus ride there was easy going and not nearly as scenic as I thought it was going to be. It looks a lot like southern Ontario to be honest, just with more racists. The bus ride back started with a delay and therefore messed every single one of my connections back. I was not impressed. I had contracted a head cold by this point and just wanted to go home, out of the States, where I could use my money again. 
I met a lot of really neat, friendly people on the way there, in Austin itself and on the way back so that made the busrides a lot easier. It was also a huge trip to be watching the second Presidential debate at the bus terminal in Cleveland (read: a red state) at 3am surrounded by many different people of colour, all looking to be younger than 35. I was actually pleasantly surprised that everyone was paying attention. Everyone. I haven’t really seen something to that extent in Canada.
My heart also goes out to the kind people of Austin that I had a chance to talk to. Their monthly rent was on par with Toronto’s ($800+ utilities for a small one bedroom) and their minimum wage is only $7.35/hr. Unless of course, you serve alcohol – then it’s a measley $2+ tips (that they have to share). It was really eye opening to say the least. I tipped my wonderful server $5 on a $12 cheque because, damn. How are people supposed to afford rent?
Another thing that I noticed about Austin, somewhat begrudgingly, is that it is very, very spread out. I’m a huge walker and you simply could not walk from point A to point B. At least it was only $2.50 for a daypass on the bus.
I definitely don’t think Austin is a horrible place, I would probably go back again (flying this time) but not for awhile. I think I’ll stick with NYC or Buffalo for my States fix if needed. 
Again, finally seeing Radiohead made it perfect. I ugly cried to All I Need and Fake Plastic Trees and just basically stood in complete awe the rest of the time. It was really all I dreamed of and more. 
(PS – that picture was taken in Canada and not Austin. )
Talk to you all later!

Megan’s Big Adventure: Roadtrippin’ to Austin

So as the title suggests, I’m leaving on Tuesday for a two day roadtrip to Austin, TX for ACLfest. I can’t wait. It’s going to be weird going to the States and not to somewhere in New York state. 
My favourite band Radiohead is headlining the Friday. I’m meeting up with one of my friends there who moved to California a couple years ago. This is going to be quite the experience for me.

Other than that, working TIFF(Toronto International Film Festival) was amazing. It was busy, exciting and I got to see a lot of awesome movies. I also got to spend some quality time with my friend Laura, her husband Conor and their sweet dog Merlin. I also managed to attend a few TIFF parties as well, it was a busy ten days.
I am also happy to say that my skin is finally almost completely healed up. Take that dermatillophobia! My mood has still been wishy washy but it’s finally getting to be more good than bad. 
Anyway, that’s about it . I will be writing more on the road as well and if you like, you can follow along on my trip via my snapchat, mmbris. 
Cheers!

Falling Behind with Blogging Again

Hello my poor, neglected blog. I know, I said I would write more, both personal blogs and some more of my poetry. I really apologise. I’ve been doing a lot of the soul-searching that I’ve mentioned before, reigniting my passion for learning new languages. 
I’ve also had to cut a “good friend” out. She said highly insensitive and horrible things – becoming what she always said she didn’t want to be, but always was in a way. I would wake up to numerous negative texts from said person and quite frankly, it’s relieving to not wake up to such negativity every day. After blocking her email (she emailed me eight times after she said that she wouldn’t open any of my replies), I got a breath of fresh air. Really. It’s astounding how much one person was weighing me down and how much she played the “My problems are worse” Olympics. I sort of saw it a few months back and I stopped reacting to her negative statements. 

Sorry for airing all of it for all of you, but I considered her a close friend who then used all the insecurities I confided in her against me. I realised through therapy sessions that this is a form of emotional abuse. Everything she wrote me, the constant blocking/unblocking on facebook, it was emotional abuse that I allowed myself to succumb to for a year and a half. 
I am working out as I had started in July and kept up with it, I am learning new languages (French, Irish, Spanish, German, Ojibwe) and I have reached out to volunteer with the organisation here in Niagara Falls that helps new immigrants learn english and learn the “Canadian way”, our customs when it comes to work and all that. I liked doing it last time so it will be fun to continue. Last but not least, I am a Front of House Assistant at the Toronto International Film Festival this year. I had volunteered for four years prior (being promoted to Volunteer Captain the last shift of my first year – something you have to volunteer for two to three years to earn) so I am gladly looking forward to this year’s festival and meeting all the brand new volunteers that my venue brings in (they’re my favourite part of the job).
Anyway, things are slowly looking up and for that I am glad.
Cheers!