Posts tagged ‘depression’

Can I Just Give a Big Fuck You?

I wasn’t going to write about it because I’m personally not a fan of ‘Ye’s, but I am SICK of seeing the “Kanye” memes going around right now. He was hospitalised for a mental illness and has been hospitalised for over a week. I’m sick of seeing memes making fun of him for being hospitalised. Sick of people laughing at him having to stay in a hospital longer than “they” (the media) originally thought.  I’m so sick of it.

I’m sick of it because I ended up hospitalised for depression last year. I’m sick of it because I have a friend who was hospitalised get out only to kill herself. I’m sick of it because one of the best people I have ever known is currently in a hospital, TRYING to get better. 
Kanye has said more than one horrible, questioning thing over the years – don’t get me wrong. But I still have sympathy for him. Good for those who carried on touring when they have cancer – whether it’s Gord Downie or Lenny or whomever. Kanye was hospitalised and his tour was cancelled because he fell into “threat to himself or others”. If Gord Downie was hallucinating and trying to kill his band members, he would have also been pulled from touring. 
I’m sick of people thinking people who suffer from mental illness are so laughable as the ill push themselves more than they should while people who have cancer are regarded as “brave heroes” for trying to carry on at the best of their ability. 
I’m sick of it.

Bloodclot

The other night, I went to emerg because of my cough and a sharp pain in my chest. I ended up getting a chest x-ray that concluded I have both pneumonia and bronchitis (because just having one would be too easy) and it showed a shape that looked like a bloodclot by my lung.

Queue slight panic attack as they were sticking the iodine dye drip in my arm and walking towards the CT scan room. As I tried to keep things lighthearted with the technician as I got positioned in the machine, the fear and exhaustion by this point had tears spring into my eyes. Naturally, I started thinking about if I DID have a bloodclot, and how if I didn’t catch it, I could have had a stroke or die and that wasn’t really helping the panic going on. Luckily, it ended up just being a bruised rib. I never had thought a sentence like “you may have a bloodclot by your lung” as fear inducing before but it definitely is.
Anyway, I got antibiotics and Ventolin and my cough has subsided quite a bit. The pain is still there but at least it has a chance to heal with the coughing fits minimised. Sucks to be missing out on long walks in the beautiful Autumn weather but I’ve managed to enjoy it a bit with some short walks.
I hope everyone is having a lovely Autumn,
Megan

After Years of Waiting….

…. I finally got to see one of my favourite bands. Of course, I had to travel to Austin to see them but it was so worth it. The setlist was perfect, the weather that night was perfect (cooled down from the 34°C + humidity that was during the day).
The bus ride there was easy going and not nearly as scenic as I thought it was going to be. It looks a lot like southern Ontario to be honest, just with more racists. The bus ride back started with a delay and therefore messed every single one of my connections back. I was not impressed. I had contracted a head cold by this point and just wanted to go home, out of the States, where I could use my money again. 
I met a lot of really neat, friendly people on the way there, in Austin itself and on the way back so that made the busrides a lot easier. It was also a huge trip to be watching the second Presidential debate at the bus terminal in Cleveland (read: a red state) at 3am surrounded by many different people of colour, all looking to be younger than 35. I was actually pleasantly surprised that everyone was paying attention. Everyone. I haven’t really seen something to that extent in Canada.
My heart also goes out to the kind people of Austin that I had a chance to talk to. Their monthly rent was on par with Toronto’s ($800+ utilities for a small one bedroom) and their minimum wage is only $7.35/hr. Unless of course, you serve alcohol – then it’s a measley $2+ tips (that they have to share). It was really eye opening to say the least. I tipped my wonderful server $5 on a $12 cheque because, damn. How are people supposed to afford rent?
Another thing that I noticed about Austin, somewhat begrudgingly, is that it is very, very spread out. I’m a huge walker and you simply could not walk from point A to point B. At least it was only $2.50 for a daypass on the bus.
I definitely don’t think Austin is a horrible place, I would probably go back again (flying this time) but not for awhile. I think I’ll stick with NYC or Buffalo for my States fix if needed. 
Again, finally seeing Radiohead made it perfect. I ugly cried to All I Need and Fake Plastic Trees and just basically stood in complete awe the rest of the time. It was really all I dreamed of and more. 
(PS – that picture was taken in Canada and not Austin. )
Talk to you all later!

Megan’s Big Adventure: Roadtrippin’ to Austin

So as the title suggests, I’m leaving on Tuesday for a two day roadtrip to Austin, TX for ACLfest. I can’t wait. It’s going to be weird going to the States and not to somewhere in New York state. 
My favourite band Radiohead is headlining the Friday. I’m meeting up with one of my friends there who moved to California a couple years ago. This is going to be quite the experience for me.

Other than that, working TIFF(Toronto International Film Festival) was amazing. It was busy, exciting and I got to see a lot of awesome movies. I also got to spend some quality time with my friend Laura, her husband Conor and their sweet dog Merlin. I also managed to attend a few TIFF parties as well, it was a busy ten days.
I am also happy to say that my skin is finally almost completely healed up. Take that dermatillophobia! My mood has still been wishy washy but it’s finally getting to be more good than bad. 
Anyway, that’s about it . I will be writing more on the road as well and if you like, you can follow along on my trip via my snapchat, mmbris. 
Cheers!

Falling Behind with Blogging Again

Hello my poor, neglected blog. I know, I said I would write more, both personal blogs and some more of my poetry. I really apologise. I’ve been doing a lot of the soul-searching that I’ve mentioned before, reigniting my passion for learning new languages. 
I’ve also had to cut a “good friend” out. She said highly insensitive and horrible things – becoming what she always said she didn’t want to be, but always was in a way. I would wake up to numerous negative texts from said person and quite frankly, it’s relieving to not wake up to such negativity every day. After blocking her email (she emailed me eight times after she said that she wouldn’t open any of my replies), I got a breath of fresh air. Really. It’s astounding how much one person was weighing me down and how much she played the “My problems are worse” Olympics. I sort of saw it a few months back and I stopped reacting to her negative statements. 

Sorry for airing all of it for all of you, but I considered her a close friend who then used all the insecurities I confided in her against me. I realised through therapy sessions that this is a form of emotional abuse. Everything she wrote me, the constant blocking/unblocking on facebook, it was emotional abuse that I allowed myself to succumb to for a year and a half. 
I am working out as I had started in July and kept up with it, I am learning new languages (French, Irish, Spanish, German, Ojibwe) and I have reached out to volunteer with the organisation here in Niagara Falls that helps new immigrants learn english and learn the “Canadian way”, our customs when it comes to work and all that. I liked doing it last time so it will be fun to continue. Last but not least, I am a Front of House Assistant at the Toronto International Film Festival this year. I had volunteered for four years prior (being promoted to Volunteer Captain the last shift of my first year – something you have to volunteer for two to three years to earn) so I am gladly looking forward to this year’s festival and meeting all the brand new volunteers that my venue brings in (they’re my favourite part of the job).
Anyway, things are slowly looking up and for that I am glad.
Cheers!

Another Chapter

Hello. I should really write a lot more than I have been. I’ve had to move back with my parents, give up the lovely apartment I had in Toronto. Not being able to work because of depression pretty much blows. Moving away from my friends to a place I don’t know anyone in blows even more. So I’m back here. Not really doing much and have a little over a week to decide if I want to go through with the discrimination lawsuit. 
Anyway, to outline some actual positive things –
I’m relearning how to do menial tasks. Like doing dishes and such. 
I’m working out a little bit.
I’m relearning french through Duolingo and have actually gotten to where I am learning things I didn’t know (past level ten French basically). So yep.
Anyway, that’s about it.

5am Wishful Thinking

Just in time to see the sunrise, yet again.

The UK left the EU, I got to watch it unfold all night on twitter and seeing reactions as people woke up. I guess insomnia is good for something?

Speaking of insomnia, I have to rant out a little pet peeve here. I hate when people can get a full eight hours of sleep, but because they can’t fall asleep until about three am, they say they have “insomnia”. Or if they can stay up until 6am, but then can sleep until four pm. That’s not insomnia, your sleep cycle is just inverted. When I say I have insomnia, I mean that I can’t fall asleep into a deep sleep and it never lasts more than an hour or two at a time. Then I’m left exhausted and still can’t fall asleep. Doesn’t matter how long I stay up, I can’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. I wish I could oversleep, I really wish I could trade.

Anyway, that dating thing ended up being a stinker. We’re friends now but that’s it.

I’m honestly in a position right now where I don’t know what to do. Do I want to stay in Toronto? Do I want to move to another province (read: BC or Quebec)? Do I want to go get a cabin in the remote woods? I seem to want all of these and I feel whichever option I choose, it won’t be the right one.

I read Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. Without sounding like a stereotypical “edgy quirky white chick” or what have you *eye roll*, I actually got chills reading that book. Chills because of how eerily similiar everything was. Substitute Toronto for NYC, I was supposed to be having the time of my life and depression crippled me. Or wanting to live both in the city and the country. Or always feeling like a disgarded third wheel when I go out with a friend because they get hit on and I’m left standing at the sidelines. There are a tonne more I read more similiar things, including the self harm on her legs to see if she could go through with slitting her wrists…the list goes on. I read a quick blurb on her and found out that she was born on October 27th and my birthday is the 26th. Not the same but still eerily close. I got chills from that too. Myself and a friend say that I’m Sylvia Plath reincarnated. Ha! The more I read, the more I actually believe it.

I guess that’s it. I’m still feeling like I’m falling backwards into a neverending black hole.