Posts tagged ‘mental health’

#RIPChester

*Trigger warning – suicide, depression*
Well this has taken me a few days to write, for numerous reasons. As everyone probably knows by now, we lost Chester last Thursday to suicide. Out of all the recent celebrity deaths, this one hurt. 

As people who follow this blog know, I’ve been very open about living with Major Depressive Disorder and have for about half my life. I’ve also talked about how having one of my best friends lose their life to suicide made that depression come back tenfold. So much so that I ended up being put on antidepressants because three months after the fact, I was only getting worse and not better. I went from thinking,”I could never put my family and friends through this” to believing it was the only option. Luckily, my doctor’s office was a short walk from my place and I made an appointment with a psychologist.
One of Chester’s good friends, Chris Cornell, died by suicide a couple months ago. Chester passed away on what would have been Chris Cornell’s 53rd birthday. 

Although I never knew Chester personally, he was one of the few voices that helped me cope with depression when I was first diagnosed as a teen. I remember the first time I first heard Linkin Park, back in 2000 when I was 15. It was when I was babysitting for my parents friends and they had satellite. It was one of those big ones that would take up your whole backyard but you could get AMERICAN CHANNELS! That meant MTV!!! Satellite wasn’t anything like how it is nowadays and the internet was definitely nowhere near what it is today. It quickly became a habit of mine whenever I would babysit for this family to put on MTV as soon as the kids were asleep.
Well, this band called Linkin Park comes on, with a neat video for a song called One Step Closer. I watched and thought, “these guys are so cool!” They had the dyed hair like me, had cool tattoos and I could identify with the lyrics. They instantly joined KoRn and Limp Bizkit in the “current favourite bands” category and with that babysitting money, I went and bought the cd shortly after.
The song that resonated the most then (and still does), was the song Crawling. I was recently diagnosed with depression, getting bullied in highschool and it summed everything I felt so articulately, something I’m still struggling with expressing, most times.
Flashforward a bit and I’m at Ozzfest 2001. Although the lineup had a lot of amazing bands on it, I was there to see them more than anything. I remember they opened up with “With You” and my tall friend decided to put my short ass on his shoulders so I could see. I remember the band playing and I remember during the first chorus, Chester pointed right in my general direction as he sang the words “WITH YOU”. I’d still like to think he was pointing right at me as I was a good 5ft higher than the crowd, but let’s not kid ourselves. Ha.
It was a show I knew I would remember for the rest of my life and I remember I was so happy just to witness it.

Now flashforward a few years as I am now, nineteen/twenty and they’ve changed their sound quite a bit and I lost most of my interest in them. Musical tastes change, happens to everyone but every so often I would still check in with them and check out their stuff. I loved a few songs, but they were no longer “MY FAVOURITE BAND EVER!!!!!!!1” I would still occasionally pop in Hybrid Theory or the other couple cds I have to reminisce. I never completely ended up hating them (*cough Muse cough*) or anything like that. It was more like just growing apart from an old buddy, really. I wished them well and all the success and I’m glad they did so well, in the years since. 
If I had gotten the chance to sit down with Chester, in the past couple months, I would have told him how much he helped me and to tell him, I know how much it hurts. Hell, it’s been two years since my friend died and it still hurts – less than it did the first year, but it’s still in the back of my mind. I would have maybe made him feel less alone, knowing I had went through the same situation. I wish I could have been there for him like he was for me so many years ago. I am forever grateful and thankful for him being a “guardian angel” for me years ago and I hope he is now at peace.

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Life Update

Hello all!
I hope everyone’s year is going well so far. I’m so sorry for neglecting this blog, even though I promised to write more. I’ve been quite busy the past few months.
I was accepted to a University and taking online beginner courses in Neurobiology. That’s been taking most of my time, to be honest. It’s super fun though and extremely interesting! (Writing this blog is my err….break from researching for my dissertation.) 
Aside from my courses, I have also been doing barre exercises and yoga at usually three days a week. I am finding it makes my body and mind a lot better. I am still having to take my medication, but I find that the two combined helps a lot – even on my off days.
I have been playing my guitar again (yay!) And trying to relearn all the songs I’ve written that I haven’t played in nearly two years. Luckily, I don’t have a concussion this time so I’m actually able to memorise my lyrics. 

I caught up with some family friends I haven’t seen in SO LONG over the holidays and I have planned to go visit two of them out west. Short political opinion insert here – I have decided to boycott travelling to the US during this Presidency and therefore I’m making a Canadian trip to Vancouver for six days, Banff for three and Calgary for six. I’m super excited because I haven’t been out west in about ten years and truth be told, I really miss it. A bonus being I can go hang out with my friends as well while I’m out there! Double score!

So far, I have been having a pretty good year. Already made a short visit to Montreal and hung out with some band friends there (and a bit in Toronto too!)
I hope that you’re having a great year so far and if so, that it continues. If your year has been a struggle so far, I hope it improves for you! 
I’m going to leave you with some photos and see you later!
Cheers!


Bloodclot

The other night, I went to emerg because of my cough and a sharp pain in my chest. I ended up getting a chest x-ray that concluded I have both pneumonia and bronchitis (because just having one would be too easy) and it showed a shape that looked like a bloodclot by my lung.

Queue slight panic attack as they were sticking the iodine dye drip in my arm and walking towards the CT scan room. As I tried to keep things lighthearted with the technician as I got positioned in the machine, the fear and exhaustion by this point had tears spring into my eyes. Naturally, I started thinking about if I DID have a bloodclot, and how if I didn’t catch it, I could have had a stroke or die and that wasn’t really helping the panic going on. Luckily, it ended up just being a bruised rib. I never had thought a sentence like “you may have a bloodclot by your lung” as fear inducing before but it definitely is.
Anyway, I got antibiotics and Ventolin and my cough has subsided quite a bit. The pain is still there but at least it has a chance to heal with the coughing fits minimised. Sucks to be missing out on long walks in the beautiful Autumn weather but I’ve managed to enjoy it a bit with some short walks.
I hope everyone is having a lovely Autumn,
Megan

Megan’s Big Adventure: Roadtrippin’ to Austin

So as the title suggests, I’m leaving on Tuesday for a two day roadtrip to Austin, TX for ACLfest. I can’t wait. It’s going to be weird going to the States and not to somewhere in New York state. 
My favourite band Radiohead is headlining the Friday. I’m meeting up with one of my friends there who moved to California a couple years ago. This is going to be quite the experience for me.

Other than that, working TIFF(Toronto International Film Festival) was amazing. It was busy, exciting and I got to see a lot of awesome movies. I also got to spend some quality time with my friend Laura, her husband Conor and their sweet dog Merlin. I also managed to attend a few TIFF parties as well, it was a busy ten days.
I am also happy to say that my skin is finally almost completely healed up. Take that dermatillophobia! My mood has still been wishy washy but it’s finally getting to be more good than bad. 
Anyway, that’s about it . I will be writing more on the road as well and if you like, you can follow along on my trip via my snapchat, mmbris. 
Cheers!

Another Chapter

Hello. I should really write a lot more than I have been. I’ve had to move back with my parents, give up the lovely apartment I had in Toronto. Not being able to work because of depression pretty much blows. Moving away from my friends to a place I don’t know anyone in blows even more. So I’m back here. Not really doing much and have a little over a week to decide if I want to go through with the discrimination lawsuit. 
Anyway, to outline some actual positive things –
I’m relearning how to do menial tasks. Like doing dishes and such. 
I’m working out a little bit.
I’m relearning french through Duolingo and have actually gotten to where I am learning things I didn’t know (past level ten French basically). So yep.
Anyway, that’s about it.

5am Wishful Thinking

Just in time to see the sunrise, yet again.

The UK left the EU, I got to watch it unfold all night on twitter and seeing reactions as people woke up. I guess insomnia is good for something?

Speaking of insomnia, I have to rant out a little pet peeve here. I hate when people can get a full eight hours of sleep, but because they can’t fall asleep until about three am, they say they have “insomnia”. Or if they can stay up until 6am, but then can sleep until four pm. That’s not insomnia, your sleep cycle is just inverted. When I say I have insomnia, I mean that I can’t fall asleep into a deep sleep and it never lasts more than an hour or two at a time. Then I’m left exhausted and still can’t fall asleep. Doesn’t matter how long I stay up, I can’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. I wish I could oversleep, I really wish I could trade.

Anyway, that dating thing ended up being a stinker. We’re friends now but that’s it.

I’m honestly in a position right now where I don’t know what to do. Do I want to stay in Toronto? Do I want to move to another province (read: BC or Quebec)? Do I want to go get a cabin in the remote woods? I seem to want all of these and I feel whichever option I choose, it won’t be the right one.

I read Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. Without sounding like a stereotypical “edgy quirky white chick” or what have you *eye roll*, I actually got chills reading that book. Chills because of how eerily similiar everything was. Substitute Toronto for NYC, I was supposed to be having the time of my life and depression crippled me. Or wanting to live both in the city and the country. Or always feeling like a disgarded third wheel when I go out with a friend because they get hit on and I’m left standing at the sidelines. There are a tonne more I read more similiar things, including the self harm on her legs to see if she could go through with slitting her wrists…the list goes on. I read a quick blurb on her and found out that she was born on October 27th and my birthday is the 26th. Not the same but still eerily close. I got chills from that too. Myself and a friend say that I’m Sylvia Plath reincarnated. Ha! The more I read, the more I actually believe it.

I guess that’s it. I’m still feeling like I’m falling backwards into a neverending black hole.

Writing by the Lake and Dating with Depression

Hello!

I decided to walk down to the lake to do some writing and reading until it gets too dark to do either. I always come here just to chill and sometimes sit and watch the waves. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’ve always lived near water and how I find comfort in it. I saw this on tumblr and though that it was so true.

image

Anyway, onto other things.

Well, as you might have guessed from the title, I may be venturing into the dating world again. Maybe. A guy I find attractive (and funny and smart, etc) is showing some interest in me back. This hasn’t happen in a long* time. (*Read: embarrassingly long time) Skipping over the embarrassing story, we’ve added each other to facebook and my friend’s telling me to ask him out. Now, I’m not a hugely shy person most of the time but I can be in this field and of course, he’s younger than me. (If you know me, you know almost every boyfriend I’ve had is younger than me.)

Now the next step is that I’ve always been open about my depression and I don’t feel ashamed as I know it’s a part and not ALL of me, but him being younger than me and all…well…I just don’t want to freak him out if things go down the romantic route, you know? It takes a very patient and understanding person to care for someone with a mental illness (I’m not saying he isn’t at all) because again, I’m still not 100% my “normal” self, although I am a lot better than I was a year ago. Hell, even a month ago to be honest.

I’m definitely not one to rush into things, even though this developed quite quick but I’m just taking it as it goes. I just haven’t had to confess (if that’s the right word?) that I struggle with depression before.

Anyway, that’s it for now. Why can’t life just be simple?