Posts tagged ‘mental health’

Bloodclot

The other night, I went to emerg because of my cough and a sharp pain in my chest. I ended up getting a chest x-ray that concluded I have both pneumonia and bronchitis (because just having one would be too easy) and it showed a shape that looked like a bloodclot by my lung.

Queue slight panic attack as they were sticking the iodine dye drip in my arm and walking towards the CT scan room. As I tried to keep things lighthearted with the technician as I got positioned in the machine, the fear and exhaustion by this point had tears spring into my eyes. Naturally, I started thinking about if I DID have a bloodclot, and how if I didn’t catch it, I could have had a stroke or die and that wasn’t really helping the panic going on. Luckily, it ended up just being a bruised rib. I never had thought a sentence like “you may have a bloodclot by your lung” as fear inducing before but it definitely is.
Anyway, I got antibiotics and Ventolin and my cough has subsided quite a bit. The pain is still there but at least it has a chance to heal with the coughing fits minimised. Sucks to be missing out on long walks in the beautiful Autumn weather but I’ve managed to enjoy it a bit with some short walks.
I hope everyone is having a lovely Autumn,
Megan

Megan’s Big Adventure: Roadtrippin’ to Austin

So as the title suggests, I’m leaving on Tuesday for a two day roadtrip to Austin, TX for ACLfest. I can’t wait. It’s going to be weird going to the States and not to somewhere in New York state. 
My favourite band Radiohead is headlining the Friday. I’m meeting up with one of my friends there who moved to California a couple years ago. This is going to be quite the experience for me.

Other than that, working TIFF(Toronto International Film Festival) was amazing. It was busy, exciting and I got to see a lot of awesome movies. I also got to spend some quality time with my friend Laura, her husband Conor and their sweet dog Merlin. I also managed to attend a few TIFF parties as well, it was a busy ten days.
I am also happy to say that my skin is finally almost completely healed up. Take that dermatillophobia! My mood has still been wishy washy but it’s finally getting to be more good than bad. 
Anyway, that’s about it . I will be writing more on the road as well and if you like, you can follow along on my trip via my snapchat, mmbris. 
Cheers!

Another Chapter

Hello. I should really write a lot more than I have been. I’ve had to move back with my parents, give up the lovely apartment I had in Toronto. Not being able to work because of depression pretty much blows. Moving away from my friends to a place I don’t know anyone in blows even more. So I’m back here. Not really doing much and have a little over a week to decide if I want to go through with the discrimination lawsuit. 
Anyway, to outline some actual positive things –
I’m relearning how to do menial tasks. Like doing dishes and such. 
I’m working out a little bit.
I’m relearning french through Duolingo and have actually gotten to where I am learning things I didn’t know (past level ten French basically). So yep.
Anyway, that’s about it.

5am Wishful Thinking

Just in time to see the sunrise, yet again.

The UK left the EU, I got to watch it unfold all night on twitter and seeing reactions as people woke up. I guess insomnia is good for something?

Speaking of insomnia, I have to rant out a little pet peeve here. I hate when people can get a full eight hours of sleep, but because they can’t fall asleep until about three am, they say they have “insomnia”. Or if they can stay up until 6am, but then can sleep until four pm. That’s not insomnia, your sleep cycle is just inverted. When I say I have insomnia, I mean that I can’t fall asleep into a deep sleep and it never lasts more than an hour or two at a time. Then I’m left exhausted and still can’t fall asleep. Doesn’t matter how long I stay up, I can’t sleep for more than a couple hours at a time. I wish I could oversleep, I really wish I could trade.

Anyway, that dating thing ended up being a stinker. We’re friends now but that’s it.

I’m honestly in a position right now where I don’t know what to do. Do I want to stay in Toronto? Do I want to move to another province (read: BC or Quebec)? Do I want to go get a cabin in the remote woods? I seem to want all of these and I feel whichever option I choose, it won’t be the right one.

I read Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar. Without sounding like a stereotypical “edgy quirky white chick” or what have you *eye roll*, I actually got chills reading that book. Chills because of how eerily similiar everything was. Substitute Toronto for NYC, I was supposed to be having the time of my life and depression crippled me. Or wanting to live both in the city and the country. Or always feeling like a disgarded third wheel when I go out with a friend because they get hit on and I’m left standing at the sidelines. There are a tonne more I read more similiar things, including the self harm on her legs to see if she could go through with slitting her wrists…the list goes on. I read a quick blurb on her and found out that she was born on October 27th and my birthday is the 26th. Not the same but still eerily close. I got chills from that too. Myself and a friend say that I’m Sylvia Plath reincarnated. Ha! The more I read, the more I actually believe it.

I guess that’s it. I’m still feeling like I’m falling backwards into a neverending black hole.

Writing by the Lake and Dating with Depression

Hello!

I decided to walk down to the lake to do some writing and reading until it gets too dark to do either. I always come here just to chill and sometimes sit and watch the waves. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’ve always lived near water and how I find comfort in it. I saw this on tumblr and though that it was so true.

image

Anyway, onto other things.

Well, as you might have guessed from the title, I may be venturing into the dating world again. Maybe. A guy I find attractive (and funny and smart, etc) is showing some interest in me back. This hasn’t happen in a long* time. (*Read: embarrassingly long time) Skipping over the embarrassing story, we’ve added each other to facebook and my friend’s telling me to ask him out. Now, I’m not a hugely shy person most of the time but I can be in this field and of course, he’s younger than me. (If you know me, you know almost every boyfriend I’ve had is younger than me.)

Now the next step is that I’ve always been open about my depression and I don’t feel ashamed as I know it’s a part and not ALL of me, but him being younger than me and all…well…I just don’t want to freak him out if things go down the romantic route, you know? It takes a very patient and understanding person to care for someone with a mental illness (I’m not saying he isn’t at all) because again, I’m still not 100% my “normal” self, although I am a lot better than I was a year ago. Hell, even a month ago to be honest.

I’m definitely not one to rush into things, even though this developed quite quick but I’m just taking it as it goes. I just haven’t had to confess (if that’s the right word?) that I struggle with depression before.

Anyway, that’s it for now. Why can’t life just be simple?

Life Update

Long time, no write yet again. I apologise. I’m not sure if my absence was caused by good news, bad news or just stress completely shutting my whole being down.

I have started a little indie project with a friend that I’ve dove into basically head first with all engines running, as I usually do. This time however, I don’t want to fade out and abandon it like I have so many other things. (If you would like to know more, check out words.toronto for more info 😉 *shameless plug*)

Also, I may have found a way to clear up the woes and mend the rift my previous posts were linked to. Fingers crossed for me as I find out tomorrow.

I’ve started on the mirtazapine again and trying to stick to basically a routine of some sort to help get on track. The medical marijuana helps me fall asleep, the mirtazapine helps me stay asleep, for at least a couple hours. As with before, with the mirtazapine comes the wonderfully weird, nighmarishly pleasant, vivid dreams. Having these absurd dreams is giving me a lot of writing ideas, which I can, helpfully, remember every detail when I wake up. And they normally can last, much like a faded memory, for awhile longer.

My dear little, soft cat Lola is fourteen today. I don’t know her exact birthday so I chose the day I brought her home. Eight years today. So much has happened in that eight years, oh my.

I’ve “forced” myself to start reading again. The reason it’s quoted is because I made use of my library card and found books that I have always wanted to read (Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Salingers’ Catcher in the Rye). I feel a tad silly mentioning those books because everyone I know has at least read one or two and sometimes all three. I never studied them in school like most.

One more quick note before I go back to burying my nose in Gatsby, the new Radiohead album (A Moon Shaped Pool) goes along SO WELL with Gatsby. It’s been awhile since a book and album seem melded like this. The last time I remember feeling the unity would be listening to Tom Waits while reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy. The music just adds so much that you can visualise it.

Anyway, back to reading I go! Here’s to fulfilling those revaluations I had at the start of the year!

(P.S. yes, negative stuff has happened in there too, but I want to actually point out positive things – the sun is shining)

Moment of Clarity?

You know when you’re depressed and the apathy surrounds you like a fog? You feel like you don’t have a grip on things and yet, you don’t care at the same time? Then when you do care, you have the lowest feelings about yourself and feel like a failure?

What I found out on Sunday was something of that sort. Except I let things slip that I “normally” would not have, not knowing so because I thought I was ontop of it. Oblivious to me at the time but made obvious on Sunday, I was in worse shape than I knew last year. Now this problem has not only hurt someone I liked and respected, it’s also created a huge mess that I can’t fix by myself at all and will burden others a lot. The one good thing in my life is ruined and I let people down. I can’t even put everything into the right words right now. The problem on Sunday wasn’t even that bad in comparison, but then the last year was reviewed and things I thought I had a grasp on were very much proven the opposite. I really fucked up and I didn’t even realise it at the time.