I’m a little under the weather today, what with late night gorging of too much chocolate to neverending upset digestive system today. Getting older sucks.

Anyway, today’s blog challenge is to write about five fears. Of course, a person’s fear usually is caused by either knowing the painful, hurtful result to said fear.

Of course, the first two are fairly common phobias – heights and falling. I have panic attacks before going on rollercoasters and once the ride is over, I can’t wait to ride it again. I get vertigo when it comes to even standing in an office chair or a stool. I absolutely hate ice because of my fear of falling as well. I will try to avoid going outside at all costs, especially if it had recently freezing rained or melted some snow then a big temperature drop.

So that’s the first two.

The next one is not so common and I have touched on it, skimmed the surface of it in other blog posts here. Quite simply, becoming invisible. I don’t mean actually fading away and becoming invisible, I mean more towards friends or family. Like a friend you were close to but never speak to anymore. If when you try to reach out, you don’t get a reply back. When you walk down the street and constantly have to move out of other people’s way because they aren’t and you feel invisible. It’s a bit of a double-edged sword for me, part of the reason that I moved to Toronto was to have some anonymous aspect of myself within the crowd.

My fourth fear is lack of self control and ending my life. These two are tied together because even though I have suicidal ideation everyday, I fear death. I fear the day that my body loses it’s fight with depression and gives up. I lack self control mainly because nearly everyday, I have no feeling in regards to living or dying. It’s hard to explain how not caring if I die yet being terrified of dying happens at the same time i  my brain. Or maybe I’m afraid because I know not caring if I live or die is not a good thing to feel? Morally? I’m not sure.

The last fear I have sorta links back to the third fear. That you reconnect with someone who knows everything about you but neither of you can think of even small talk to say. When the relationship, whatever it may be, has ended and you know in your gut that it’s ended.