Posts tagged ‘sick not weak’

Another Chapter

Hello. I should really write a lot more than I have been. I’ve had to move back with my parents, give up the lovely apartment I had in Toronto. Not being able to work because of depression pretty much blows. Moving away from my friends to a place I don’t know anyone in blows even more. So I’m back here. Not really doing much and have a little over a week to decide if I want to go through with the discrimination lawsuit. 
Anyway, to outline some actual positive things –
I’m relearning how to do menial tasks. Like doing dishes and such. 
I’m working out a little bit.
I’m relearning french through Duolingo and have actually gotten to where I am learning things I didn’t know (past level ten French basically). So yep.
Anyway, that’s about it.

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Life Update

Long time, no write yet again. I apologise. I’m not sure if my absence was caused by good news, bad news or just stress completely shutting my whole being down.

I have started a little indie project with a friend that I’ve dove into basically head first with all engines running, as I usually do. This time however, I don’t want to fade out and abandon it like I have so many other things. (If you would like to know more, check out words.toronto for more info 😉 *shameless plug*)

Also, I may have found a way to clear up the woes and mend the rift my previous posts were linked to. Fingers crossed for me as I find out tomorrow.

I’ve started on the mirtazapine again and trying to stick to basically a routine of some sort to help get on track. The medical marijuana helps me fall asleep, the mirtazapine helps me stay asleep, for at least a couple hours. As with before, with the mirtazapine comes the wonderfully weird, nighmarishly pleasant, vivid dreams. Having these absurd dreams is giving me a lot of writing ideas, which I can, helpfully, remember every detail when I wake up. And they normally can last, much like a faded memory, for awhile longer.

My dear little, soft cat Lola is fourteen today. I don’t know her exact birthday so I chose the day I brought her home. Eight years today. So much has happened in that eight years, oh my.

I’ve “forced” myself to start reading again. The reason it’s quoted is because I made use of my library card and found books that I have always wanted to read (Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and Salingers’ Catcher in the Rye). I feel a tad silly mentioning those books because everyone I know has at least read one or two and sometimes all three. I never studied them in school like most.

One more quick note before I go back to burying my nose in Gatsby, the new Radiohead album (A Moon Shaped Pool) goes along SO WELL with Gatsby. It’s been awhile since a book and album seem melded like this. The last time I remember feeling the unity would be listening to Tom Waits while reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy. The music just adds so much that you can visualise it.

Anyway, back to reading I go! Here’s to fulfilling those revaluations I had at the start of the year!

(P.S. yes, negative stuff has happened in there too, but I want to actually point out positive things – the sun is shining)

The Little Things

Today I got up before noon. That might seem like a common, non-major thing to most of you, but to me that’s big. I usually sleep until 1pm or later so to be out of bed before noon AND a shower AND made a pot of coffee AND toasted two english muffins, well that’s luck. No wait, not luck, just “normal” things. I also brushed my teeth after eating breakfast. The little things. They say to not sweat the small stuff, but when the small stuff is everyday things and you have a mental illness, the small things become a mountain and you’re in the crater.

I was having an okay day, the sertraline manages to keep me neither here or there. Not bad, but not good either.

Now, I’m going to talk about “triggers”. I know the term is very overused nowadays. I was at Smoke’s Poutine, eating a Chili Cheese Fry poutine (I had a craving, okay?) And the people next to me were talking about losing a friend to suicide, then the girl at Smoke’s plays some song from some emo band that said “if I die tomorrow”. I’m a pretty tough lil cookie and usually nothing rattles me but this whole situation, the talking of friends and the song, it was a trigger. It was that little voice in the back of my head. It was that little voice that constantly tells me to jump in front of that train, that subway.

It’s always with me. As much as I laugh it off, it’s still there. A dark shadow covering part of my soul.

Cautious Optimism

Cautious optimism. It’s something that I believe everyone has at some point in their lives. Like having a crush and them show they like you back. Or when the boss notices your work and compliments it when there is a promotion to be had.

Cautious optimism. When you suffer from mental illness and know in your head and heart that some days will be better than others. Today, I actually felt light and airy and I had some energy, even though I stayed in my pyjamas all day. I washed some dishes and did some sweeping up. Tomorrow, my family is getting together for my mom’s birthday dinner. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again and actually might dress up, put on a bit of make up, wear my new shoes. I haven’t felt actually eager to dress up and go out in forever it seems.

Cautiously optimistic. I hope I feel the same when I get up tomorrow.

#sicknotweak The Power of Connection Through Our Disconnection

Hello all,

I’m sorry for lack of writing the past few days. It turns out that the cold I had developed into the flu.

I’m writing to you today to introduce you to something I am proud to be a part of. Today is the launch of http://sicknotweak.com

This organization started from the mind of Michael Landsberg and has become an online community of support for people who suffer from mental illness and people who know someone who does.

I do encourage everyone to check the site out and if you would like, introduce yourself to the community. They have helped me at my low points and there is always someone available if you need to talk.

Today I’ve been okay. It started off better than it is currently but I’m trying to keep my mood up. Some of the reason that my mood is more warbled than usual is because of certain *ahem* biological reasons. It’s all fun and games until the cramps start up.

I’m hoping to get to the grocery store today, if possible. It’s not urgent so I’m not pushing myself if I feel like not interacting with people face to face – plus I’m still not 100% over the flu yet. I’m also going to start re-reading Go Ask Alice (amazing book, you should definitely check it).

Anyway, it’s 4:30pm and I should probavly weigh the pros and cons of going grocery shopping before the store is closed.

Told you I Would Suck at Keeping Up

Yep, made it four days then drop off. Well, it lasted longer than I thought, so that’s alright.

I’m switching from Cymbalta back to the sertraline because even though I wasn’t great, I was a lot worse on the Cymbalta. As for the mirtrazapine, well…I just slept for two days straight and feel exhausted.

My mood is anywhere between irritable to straight up pissed off. At everything and everyone. I went two blocks to the store and seriously just felt like bitching out every person I saw, even though they really didn’t do anything. Rationally, I knew this. My brain is thinking too rational right now.

That’s the part – I hate it. I KNOW that doing the dishes won’t take that long. I KNOW how to keep my apartment clean, I KNOW not to pick at the scabs I shave off of my leg to watch it bleed. I know all of these things but I CAN’T do them. It’s not being lazy, it’s lethargy. Lethargy mixed with no feelings of euphoria, just hopelessness. Worthlessness. I think before going to bed every night, “tomorrow will be a better day. I’ll get more done.” But how many tomorrows will I have to get through until that tomorrow comes?

I can’t just “think positive” or “will myself to do it”. I wish I could, hell. I really would give anything to do it. I’m just not able to.